Sex and the (damaged) teenage mind

Yesterday carl returned from his trip to the upper peninsula. When he got back, we naturally made love. I didn't feel like I required it, so it was more on the healthy side. However, hadn't it happened, I would have gotten upset. I was only there from six to eleven. Normally, I would sleep over.
By the end of the night I was again craving the attention of the lust. When I tried kissing him and suducing him he said 'tomorrow, kitten. Tonight I'm too tired.' Which the rational part of my mind understands; he did just get back from a week long back packing trip. But the other side just couldn't help feeling rejected and ugly.
I made a call to the man that offered to sponsor me to ask for his advice. Stumbling through the phone call, I explained to him (we'll call him Dan) that 'my situation wasn't listed on the website' and 'I doubt that I even have a problem with sex'. But he laughed. He stopped me mid sentance saying 'X, you definetly have an addiction to sex. It isn't text book. It is an addiction to sex and a need for it, and you do have a problem.' So, I guess that's that. I can't just pretend its an imaginary problem anymore.
I told Carl what he said. I think he was trying too hard to be skeptical. I think we both kind of knew what was coming. But its hard to come to terms with that. Its easy to admit to myself, but very hard to accept it and to realize that I have to take steps to begin changing it. It's easy to admit to a blog. It was surprisingly easy to admit it to Carl. It's sorting through it that's going to be the tricky part, and I'm hardly prepared. I have a sexual addiction. I wish I could explain how real it is to someone other than myself. It's not as simple as 'not getting laid makes me feel bad'. It's more than that. I get this awful feeling of rejection because of some crushing imperfection that I have. I get so insecure that I can't function normally in the relationship as I would normally. This awful sense of betrayal overtakes me.
I guess here's to taking the first step and jumping right in.

Making Ammends.

Carl comes home today. I'm so excited to see him. Last night when I called him, I told him about the kiss. I had to improvise a little bit, but it's done. He's never been drunk before (Because of his father's struggle through alcoholism), so I knew that he wouldn't understand what it's like to wake up and kiss whoever you're next just because you're drunk and how it takes a second to react and pull away.
He's not mad. He knows the guy, and kind of found it funny. I'm happy that he wasn't angry, but I'm sad that he failed to recognize that I hit rock bottom.
He also sent me a message saying he'd be back home with me in an  hour and that he was completely ready to get down and dirty. Which I would normally love to do, but I want to refrain until my state of mind is more healthy. I want to wait until I can differentiate between unhealthy and healthy sex with him. I'm having a lot of trouble doing this. I've been using my pain for my own self destruction. I think that Carl won't ever understand this. I think that he believes that if we're having sex as much as I need to have sex, the constant need for it will go away if it's always happening as much as I need it to. But what happens when it doesn't? It's just going to grow and grow. And when I grow an even more constant NEED for it, I'm worried that instead of just feeling like I need it, I'm going to spiral downwards. Do things that I would never do.
It's time to make ammends, start growing up and begin the process of healing. I think I might attend more groups than just the one on Wednesdays.
I love living in suburbia, but I'm so ready to move to the city. Everything is there. Everything is so alive there.

Discovering your self worth.

It's weird how much self worth I put into my bad habits. My self worth falls into how much I can drink, satisfying other people, how little I can put into my body in a day, how much of that food I can vomit, how small my jean size is, how much drugs I can do(more my friends sense of my worth), the hookups I have, the people I hang out with. What am I without drug addicts? They're my friends.
The worst of all of my self worth is sexsexsex. and how thin my body is. Those two things are destroying me. I'm beginning my sobriety officially from my eating disorder. I'm going to eat a comfortable amount and work up. As for my drug use, I want to stick to pot. Maybe a drink or two here or there. No more pills, no more cocaine, no more shrooms or pcp or lsd or acid.
Here's to sobriety.
I'm going to call my sponsor for the saa and ask how to sleep with my boyfriend without falling into the unhealthy behavior of finding my worth within that.
What do you find your self-worth in? How do you do something healthy for yourself without it becoming an unhealhy habit. It's so tricky, and I'm so nervous where I stand, still shy in the shadow.

My First AA meeting

I went to the meeting at about seven last night. Immediately following, some of the people also working on the first step in the group invited me out to dinner with them, which I went to. I went to my best friend's  house immediately afterward to tell her that I finally went to a meeting. That's why I'm not making a post until this morning.
At the meeting,everyone met in one big group and gave out 30 day chips and shared events of the community. There was a guy from my school there. He made the program sound like a punishment saying 'What did you do to get here?'. Many drugs, of course. That's not why I was there though. Nobody was forcing me. I just wanted to get myself help.
After the mass meeting, the members broke off into smaller groups based on what step they were on. I obviousy went to the step one room. When I was in there, people spoke about how difficult this step was. I told my boyfriend that I was going to the meeting. When he asked why I said 'To get inspired to be sober. I don't need the help or anything.' When I started speaking at the group, during my check-in I realized how I could never get past the first step without admitting that I am an addict. That's going to be hard to tell everyone. But at the same time, Im excited to get past this step. When I do, I aspire to feel refreshed and clean.
After the meeting some people and I went to dinner. We had salads and pita at a crowded resturant. One of the men from the group just kept speaking so loudly and saying things like 'So, you like cocaine? Oh, yeah, coke is real fun.' He practically shouted "HAVE YOU EVER TRIED HEROIN BEFORE?' All of the people that I went to dinner with were very open about their drug habits, a little too open for my taste. I'm not used to the idea that drugs aren't just leisurely things for me. I'm really glad that I'm searching for sobriety when I'm as young as I am. I can't end up like the people in there who are fifty and just never grew up. I feel weird without my daily fix of adderall. Or at least a drink or two to cut the edge off.

How i destroyed my life the other night

My boyfriend has never been anything but good to me. He's so attentive and loving. He hates how I drink, he hates how many drugs I let myself do without admiting to a problem. We're almost never apart. But he's been backpacking. Only for a week. I'd been very lonely though. So, i went to a party like I normally do(I go to the same party every monday, but It's never quite the same party.)  Twenty beers later on a completely empty stomach and I was ready to pass out. One of the two boys that live there (27) told me that I could come sleep in his bed. I thought notihng of it because him and my boyfriend are friends and we all hang out every week. Before I knew it, I was drunkenly slurring at him, questioning his attraction to me. He stated that he would have hit on me if it hadn't been for my boyfriend. Next thing I knew, I was straddling him and we were play wrestling. I kissed his neck and he told me he thought that I was beautiful. I avoided kissing him for as long as I could. I was so drunk that eventually, I just gave up ignoring his passes at me and let him kiss me. I pushed him off not too much later. My reaction time was definitely delayed though. I could have done much worse than I, in reality, did.
I cheated on my boyfriend because he wasn't make me there to feel pretty. He was supposed to come back from backpacking today. He texted me saying he'd be back tomorrow.
We've both been cheated on, and a lot of the trust in our relationship has been built on our faith to eachother. I'm so afraid that he won't look at me in the same way ever again. I'm so afraid that it's just going to break his heart.
For the sake of this blog, I'm going to call him Carl. Him and I have already decided that I'm going to go to sex addiction therapy because of how I need it.
I can't blame this on the alcohol or the eating disorder, or the sex addiction. I don't believe that something that I did should be blamed on a filler. Although, it was an altered state of mind that I was experiencing. I have to wait until tomorrow to tell him.
Wish me luck!

My first SAA meeting.

I went to my first SAA meeting this morning. To my horror, it was right by the college campus that I intend on going to next year. Lucky me, it was move in day, so not many of the students go there. 
The people there were very friendly. When it was my turn to do a 'check in', I got out my name, and choked up. I felt myself beginning to cry, so I sucked it up and said 'I'll leave it there for today'. I'm going back next week! The group was only men. It was supposed to be mixed, but I was the only woman. and the only one under 30ish. All of the men were married, or going through divorces and had kids. I'm not sure how well I'll relate to them, although I'm sure we'll never quite understand them. Throughout these posts, I will not share names or details about any others in the groups. We have different kinds of addictions though, I will tell you. I can't function without sex, not because I like it, but because otherwise I feel so ugly that I will stay in and sleep. This makes me wonder if sleeping with my boyfriend now is considered an unhealthy behavior. I already have a sponsor! He's very, very kind. I plan on calling him to ask about what habits are and aren't acceptable and to help me with my inner and outer circles? I think they're called. The SAA uses the same 12 step program that the AA uses. I'm on step one, I guess. Which I haven't yet completed. Each group a step is presented. At the beginning, each member shares what that step means for them. Then we have check-ins. Every one's stories were heartbreaking, though I can't share any of them. 
I'll share what got me to this point in a later post. I destroyed my life not to long ago. If i didn't pull myself together, I knew I was going to have to watch myself fall apart. I can't let that happen again.


Tonight I'm attending my first A.A. meeting. I'll make a post then. 
Best of luck to everyone!

The beggining of the problem.

I'm going to begin this blog by being relatively blunt. I have an eating disorder, which manifested itself into alcoholism and a sex addiction.

 I began vomiting when I was about nine years old. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was curiosity. I can't quite keep anything about that part of my life straight. It slowly developed into anorexia, as a preference to throwing up. My low weight was eighty pounds. I'm a very young adult now. I went into treatment for the first time when I was fourteen. From there, my weight doubled in an unhealthy six months. This was at Melrose Institute. Through there i went through various inpatient and outpatient programs. I stayed in therapy up until the time I was sixteen. As soon as my discharge happened and I was freed, I went right back to starving and vomiting, just more discretely.

When i first got out, I had a girlfriend of about a year. She immediately stopped sleeping with me. After that point, I started finding out about other girls that she was sleeping with. I would have asked why, but I came to the conclusion myself that it was because my body was no longer beautiful. I was no longer stick thin. We broke up almost a year and thirty girls(that I know of) later. My self esteem had been so shot to hell that I began relying on sex to make me feel beautiful. 

That brings us to the sex addiction. Now, men have always been attracted to me. I've always been a free spirit, kissing people when I felt the urge, not caring. Just floating my way through life. A party girl, I guess some would call me. People finding me sexually desirable and expressing this to me was common, so I never knew how much I relied on it.
This all changed when I started dating the boy that I am now. We've been together for a little more than a year. When I began bringing him out with me, I found attention to be less common from men. It bothered me very little at first. But now I rely on the attention that I would get from all of these men to come from one guy. My need for sex and relations grew. And it's been growing worse and worse. If i go to his house, if we spend more than a few hours together without having sex, I can't help but to get upset, or angry, and hurt. I feel like it's an attack on my now healthy body. When i first met him, I was 102 pounds again. I now weight 130. I consider myself slender. I worked so hard on my recovery from the eating disorder. But now that the sex addiction has gotten worse, my eating had gotten much worse too because I expect way too much out of one man. 

Now, I've never been a chronic masturbater or huge into pornography or promiscuous with many men. I do consider this a sex addiction, however, because of the need that I have to have it. And without it, I just can't function normally. 

The alcoholism and drug use just came from a very hard childhood. I don't feel much like getting into that, maybe I will later, if i end up with any readers. Either way, I'm happy to document this if only for myself. 

I wish all readers the best of luck with all of the demons trapped in your closets.