The beggining of the problem.

I'm going to begin this blog by being relatively blunt. I have an eating disorder, which manifested itself into alcoholism and a sex addiction.

 I began vomiting when I was about nine years old. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was curiosity. I can't quite keep anything about that part of my life straight. It slowly developed into anorexia, as a preference to throwing up. My low weight was eighty pounds. I'm a very young adult now. I went into treatment for the first time when I was fourteen. From there, my weight doubled in an unhealthy six months. This was at Melrose Institute. Through there i went through various inpatient and outpatient programs. I stayed in therapy up until the time I was sixteen. As soon as my discharge happened and I was freed, I went right back to starving and vomiting, just more discretely.

When i first got out, I had a girlfriend of about a year. She immediately stopped sleeping with me. After that point, I started finding out about other girls that she was sleeping with. I would have asked why, but I came to the conclusion myself that it was because my body was no longer beautiful. I was no longer stick thin. We broke up almost a year and thirty girls(that I know of) later. My self esteem had been so shot to hell that I began relying on sex to make me feel beautiful. 

That brings us to the sex addiction. Now, men have always been attracted to me. I've always been a free spirit, kissing people when I felt the urge, not caring. Just floating my way through life. A party girl, I guess some would call me. People finding me sexually desirable and expressing this to me was common, so I never knew how much I relied on it.
This all changed when I started dating the boy that I am now. We've been together for a little more than a year. When I began bringing him out with me, I found attention to be less common from men. It bothered me very little at first. But now I rely on the attention that I would get from all of these men to come from one guy. My need for sex and relations grew. And it's been growing worse and worse. If i go to his house, if we spend more than a few hours together without having sex, I can't help but to get upset, or angry, and hurt. I feel like it's an attack on my now healthy body. When i first met him, I was 102 pounds again. I now weight 130. I consider myself slender. I worked so hard on my recovery from the eating disorder. But now that the sex addiction has gotten worse, my eating had gotten much worse too because I expect way too much out of one man. 

Now, I've never been a chronic masturbater or huge into pornography or promiscuous with many men. I do consider this a sex addiction, however, because of the need that I have to have it. And without it, I just can't function normally. 

The alcoholism and drug use just came from a very hard childhood. I don't feel much like getting into that, maybe I will later, if i end up with any readers. Either way, I'm happy to document this if only for myself. 

I wish all readers the best of luck with all of the demons trapped in your closets.