Step Two: Acceptance

It hasn't been easy for me to accept that my weight has skyrocketed since I began recovery. It's something that I've been afraid of for as long as I can remember. My weight has fluxuated from 130 to 160. However, almost all of it was water weight. or muscle mass. My measurements are still almost identical to what they were before. And as I improved my, my PT (physical therapy) plan allowed me my aerobics back. So now I've been going to the gym for an hour or two per day. I'm not over excersising or straining my body. I'm even taking a day today to let myself rest. I've been going to yoga classes to and practicing my yoga, but that's nothing new.
As I've began excercising and have gainied more freedom over my mealplan and have been eating more HEALTHY meals (not low calorie, healthy) the weight has come off. I'm losing about a pound or two per day. Which is worrying my doctors, but since I was at such a high part of my weight range, they're actually happy the weight is coming off. They tell me that their goal isn't to make me fat, but their goal is to teach me how to maintain my weight in a healthy, non-obsessive way.
 I will admit, it certainly isn't easy. I'm beginning to fear that my excersising is borderline compulsive. I struggle not to vomit every day. I struggle with eating 'too much' or not enough. My eating disorder is so strong. My goal for health is encouraging it to be weaker though. I know what I need to do, it just feels so hard to do when I'm so unhappy with my body, and weight.
The Positives I've noticed:
- Mood is much more stable.
- Measurments haven't changed.
- Excess weight is coming off.
- Hair is becoming less brittle.
- Nails aren't breaking off quite as much
- Skin is returning to it's natural olive tone rather than pale white.
- I'm a lot happier.
- I don't need to run to the bathroom every single time I eat.
- I wake up feeling healthy, rather than desperately sick.
- I don't worry about dying every day
- My Heart palpatations are going away!!
- People around me are happier because they're not as worried.
- I'm not losing and gaining the same weight back every couple days.
'Gaining weight and pulling my head out of the toilet was the most political act I've ever comitted'.

Ending Treatment

I've had a few practice days at home now, and it's been really hard. Since starting treatment a mere month ago, I have gained twenty-five pounds. It's really disgusting, I know. My mother doesn't make it any easier, accusing me left and right of not being able to beat this. She makes me so mad. She constantly accuses me of binge eating. Thanks, mom. I've never even been one to binge, really. She just frustrates me a lot.
But here I am, four weeks symptom free and signing off of the bulimia train.
Carl and I haven't had sex in two weeks, not even on valentine's day. I fear that it's because of the weight gain. What do I do now? I don't know. Him and I still see eachother, we still hang out alone. but no sex. He claims that it's just a stress problem. It's making my recovery so much harder, but I think telling him that would just make it worse. So I'm trying to keep it to myself, and here I stand at 151 pounds. What I would do to keep off this weight. I don't want to live in this body anymore. I wish that I could do the process without the excess weight on my body. They keep promising me that it will go back down, but I know it's lies. Because I've been weighing myself at home too. I've done weight exposure, and they're such fucking liars. They said that my weight goes up, but goes right back down and stabalizes. Bull shit. I hate that they lie to me, I hate that I'm stuck in this body. I hate that this is what it's come to. but I know that if I don't keep fighting another day, my body will become just as sick as it's always been. Tomorrow is my last day of higher level care. Yippie.
My mom doesn't think I'm ready. I'm finally ready to talk about it. I hate everything. I'm so desperate for my body to return to what I resented before. I'd give anything for my stomache to be flat again. Fuck. It's so hard to carry on. I just focus on how much I want my life to go on... not to die.
I haven't been that drunk lately, but I haven't been that sober. I went on this WILD ecstacy trip the other day. To those who aren't recovering drug addicts and simply recreational users, I would recommend trying this before you die. It's the most fun I've ever had in my life. I love doing x. I've always loved it. Even the worst shit is the best shit.

Stay strong, kitties.
x

The First Step is Taking the First Step.

I finally gave up. After another month of being drunk every night and not eating, I came to the point of a near heart-attack. When I went in for an intake at the eating disorder hospital (I won't disclose which) the doctor was shocked at the amount I had been vomiting and said she had never seen such violent heart palpatations. This is coming from a woman who specializes in eating disorders, the sick.
I finally got my shit together. On monday, the 28th was my official intake. The doctor was insistant that I did extensive care, however, insurace wouldn't cover it. Or even intense care. So they put me on a twelve hour program. The people here are sweet, but it's different from my last time here. There are no men, first off. and nobody talks to eachother, really. Nobody is friends with one another. The enviorment is nice. I have a great care manager, dietician, and therapist. The doctor's okay.
I'm doing all of my schooling online now. I have a lot of down time. My goal is to be symptom free by early March. Then I want to go back to school. My weight has already shot up, but the doctor assured me that within a week it would go back down. My body's just holding onto the food now, but will get rid of the excess fat as soon as it's out of starvation mode.
The worst part about being here is that for twelve hours a day I'm not allowed to smoke. If I do, I am immediately discharged to level one (only here for team).
They've already taken me off of a meal plan, which was somewhat shocking. It made me very upset at first, but now I kind of like it. When I go down to the cafeteria, it makes me anxious to pick out my food along side all of the other adults who know exactly what their tallies are supposed to be. Meanwhile, I sit there wondering what's allowed for me to have. Have I had enough vegetables today? Have I eaten enough? Have I eaten too much?
A lot of foods are more than one food group. Say, a yogurt. It counts as a milk and a fruit. That's 150 calories. Or I could have 1/2 a cup of fresh strawberries (50 cal) and a cheese stick (80 cal). What do I do? tallies are so different from one another. I'm so afraid that I'm not chosing the most healthy option. What would thin me say?
Oh, as for my diagnosis, I was diagnosed with EDNOS- anorexia, bulimia, and binge all mixed together. At age eighteen, I'm ready to be done with this. Have of my life has passed with no sense of normal.
My therapist is trying to get me rediagnosed with anorexia. I don't know why she would bother. She said it's because the only reason I let myself eat is because I know I can get rid of it. People make me uncomfortable.
Well, here it is, kitties. I'm finally getting the help that I need, and I'm finally going to be able to give advice on how to recover, rather than just saying I'm going to.
The first step is taking the first step. 

Everything update

I've been sober all week. Carl and I have been getting along famously. Everything's been annoyingly happy-go-lucky. I need a little more of that angst. My car did break during a snow storm. My friend and I slid and crashed and broke the front end.i can still use it. I've been so overwhelmed with finals. I've been taking a lot of adderall and vyvanse to keep up with that and he holiday shopping. And the lack of money. I haven't been eating much. I put myself on a low calorie low fat low carb diet. If I eat anything at all. Most of my friends that take these don't eat, so I feel like it should be normal. But I don't eat and I love it. If I wasn't lying to myself, I would admit that I took it for the love of the fact that I don't eat. This worries me. At least I'm not throwing up. It's a trade off. The drug abuse, besides has been fine. No cocaine or anything. I did buy a few hits of acid in case the world ends this week. Excuses.
I promised myself I'd only do the acid if the world started going to shit. But I know I'll do it anyway. The life of a young girl tying to survive in the modern world.

And because you kittens want to know what my body looked like post recovery, I'll post that. Forgive the scandalous nature of it. I'm about 130 here

Sex.

It's been getting easier to be calm is Carl and I don't have sex. All of the meetings have really been useful. The other day he picked me up and I saw my reflection in the mirror. And it disgusted me. I've been eating very healthy. I don't know why that isn't evident. But my stomach looked so gross.
Many a people have been asking me for pictures. I'm very reluctant because I would like to maintain my anonymity. I am considering it.
One more thing; eating disorders are not something I would ever encourage. I've been getting messages saying that my blog is triggering. Please understand that that is not my intention. I do not find eating disorders glamorous. They're wretched. I'm a normal weight and have destroyed my throat, my teeth, my organs, my skin. all for what? Being five pounds less than if I hadn't been throwing up my food? I don't miss my anorexic tendencies that consumed me for seven years. But dear god, why would i turn to bulimia. I hate myself for letting it happen. Every morning I wake up my throat hurts. Eating disorders are not worth it

Thanksgiving

It's the first one where I haven't faked sick or thrown up until my throat bled and I passed out.
I credit my boyfriend. I asked him not to let me in the bathroom for two hours after we eat ( about the amount of time it takes for mr to digest ) I said I was going into the bathroom to fix my hair and he insisted he come with. I went outside to smoke and nearly splattered the food across the snow. I resisted though. This is a milestone for me. I also noticed for the first time how much my family criticizes the way one another eats: Chris, could you eat one meal without salsa? Hannah, could you try not mixing those foods gig once. It's kind of hard to sit through.
When Carl and I went home we snuggled up and watched a movie. No sex. And I didn't freak out. These are both signs that I'm slowly getting better.
Hope thanksgiving wasn't hard on everyone.

Trial period

I am fed up with my mood swings and cuttings self breaks all of the time. I'm fed up with letting myself down. So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to go see my old team (doctor, nutritionist, therapist, psychiatrist) and get a meal plan. As mad as I will be at myself, for the next six months I'm going to monitor my recovery. I'm going to give health a little trial period. And after its all said and done if I really want to let myself get sick again, so be it.
On another note, the meetings I've been going to have made me much more capable of achieving a happier relationship. I don't feel like its one of the few things that define my worth any longer, which is nice.
I'm still using drugs and drinking, but not as often. I don't know if that'll ever stop unless I'm not around my friends. To give you guys a better idea, at this performing art school the beautiful men and women who are always tripping are the top of the school. Performing arts schools are weird. But I just happen to be one of those girls. All of our friends are either punk kids or hippie kids, either way we just want to rock out.
Our common drugs are LSD cocaine pot and heroin. I don't do heroin and neither do most of my friends. Bit it's not too uncommon. I don't to make it sound like we're always on heavy drugs; they're just for fun at parties. But in always using something even if its just pot or alcohol. Sobriety is hard at my school. Especially when you're at the top. I have no idea how my boyfriend does it.
And there's no chance I'll be quitting smoking in this six months