Back in Treatment

If I am not drunk enough, I can never know freedom. I can only allow myself bittersweet perfection when the room spins.
I become the most horrifying of all of my nightmares, terrified of self. Not able to spend quality times with my own feelings. I can only cry.
My best friend is in town. The days will blend together in a drunken slur. In the blink of an eye, she'll be gone. Nothing will be worth it, just like usual.

Drowning

I'm going to walk 'til the concrete ends, shoot dope until the money's all spent.
Drowning.

Lately, everything is breaking my heart

My friends moved away to Chicago. 

I moved away from myself. 

Eat, Throw up, work, eat, throw up, work, don't eat, go to bed, pray I got everything out.

My life is so miserable, suddenly.

I've been starving, not because I want to. I don't eat because I can't eat.

Everything I want is always in reach. I just need a new body to accomplish it.

I'm afraid I might die.

I'm sick, so sick, so sick.

A new body means freedom. I can have anything I want. Even if Carl never comes back to me, I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm more beautiful and desired then ever.

I've been hooking up with the friends that I have left. Party friends that serve purpose of no personal development, just distraction.

At least they think I'm beautiful.

I don't want to go out, but I do.

I let the blotters dissolve on my tongue.  As soon as it hits my blood stream, nothing matters. I could die, for all I care. I'm happy. Nothing is quite like that rush of dope to the system, nothing quite like that shimmery white powder. 

I'm starting to believe that these highways don't lead any place but I'm starting to believe I'll ride them to my grave.

Everything I Hate About You

I hate that you broke up with me after promising you wouldn't
I hate that you would never stay out late
I hate that you were allergic to cats
I hate that you never kissed me
I hate that you didn't put any effort into making love
I hate that you didn't ever let me be on top
I hate that you could never hold an erection
I hate that you never gave me oral sex
I hate that you were treated like a child
I hate that you had a curfew
I hate that you never slept over
I hate that you never let me sleep in your arms
I hate that you were so stubborn
I hate that you always made me feel bad about myself
I hate it when you cut your hair
I hate that you would never come out with me
I hate that you hated parties
I hate that you broke your sobriety
I hate your sobriety
I hate that you were so judgmental about my drinking
I hate that you never allowed me to be myself
I hate that I met you at a crossroad, and you would have preferred I take the other path
I hate that your parents controlled you
I hate that you hated my music
I hate that you'd rather be alone then with me
I hate that you neglected me
I hate that you lied
I hate that you lead me on
I hate that you did everything you did
I hate that you were so kind, but FUCK YOU. You were so cruel at the end
I hate that you stood me up
I hate that you can make me feel so ugly
I hate that you never called me beautiful
I hate that you are who you are
I hate that you made me waste so much time.
I hate that you're such a coward.
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate that you left me, when we were supposed to be together forever.

Peace out.

Done with Carl and all of his fucking bullshit. 

He's a coward. 

I'm leaving for the Windy City on Thursday and not coming back. 

Not eating anything. I'm drunk or high from the roof top to the parking lot. 

I started sleeping with some guy. It made me realize how selfish Carl was in bed. He never even bothered to kiss me. I don't want him back, I just want someone who loves me. I can't do that in this body. My therapist wants me to do treatment. I'm saying no. Maybe I'll just move allllll the way to Chicago. 

I'm seriously over my current life. I need something more fresh. 

Carl stood me up on all of our dates so far, lead me on for a month.. Fuck him. I don't need him. 

x

Santosha- Only when we can be content in the midst of difficulty can we be truly free. Only when we can remain open in the midst of pain do we understand what true openness is. In our relationships, when we accept those around us as they truly are, not as we want them to be, we are practicing santosha.