Triggers

Carl and I haven't had sex in a week. We've been together four of the seven days. He keeps saying 'not tonight, I just want to snuggle'. I bet he wouldn't feel that way if I were thinner. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to bring it up to him either. He's such a good boyfriend, and when I do, he feels shitty about it, like he's not providing what he needs to to make me happy. He is neglecting my needs. But I don't think he deserves to feel like he is, because it's really the only one. He doesn't understand why I get so upset, why sex is so important to me. Why I need it to make myself feel beautiful.
He just started a job yesterday. Maybe that's it. We were laying together naked the other day, and nothing. He makes me feel so gross, so repulsive. He's always pushing away my hands and pushing me away and laughing. An uncomfortable laugh. As if he's saying 'darling, you're so silly to think I could want that'. I hate him for it. I truly do. Who is he to not want me? I know plenty of people would be happy to take care of me, emotionally and physically. I hate him so much.
'Sex, like bingeing, is an attempt to fill a void. Bulimic patients (...) tend to be more sexually active tan individuals who do not have eating disorders... not so much looking for a compatible annd comlementary parter as she is attempting to experience herself as more whole and alive. It alleviates terrifying anxiety and brings the other person close... to such a degree that the patient loses sight of any boundries between her and her partner. .. temporary loss of identity.' - Ibid
I'm ashamed to be bulimic. Anorexia feels so much cleaner. I felt super human. I once went eleven days with not one single calorie.

One of the things I really need to work on the most is my eating disorder. I'm going to begin recording my intake and how often I use symptoms.
Today:
One luna lemon zest bar.
One apple sauce.
One apple
One oz. Sunchips.
One yoplait yogurt.
Two fruit roll ups
2 oz light pringles chips.
.75 oz pringles chips.
10 serving Crystal light lemonade
2 tbs port wine cheese.
18 wheat thins

I haven't thrown up today for the first time in weeks. I'm slightly dizzy and I feel really full. I just want to eat.

The first step towards my own twisted sexual sobriety

I have just been SO tired lately. I work so much(two jobs) that I never have time to sleep. Yesterday I drove all the way to wisconsin to see off my cousin before she moved away. I got up at six, drove hours and hours, had lunch with her, and drove back, went to work, and crashed to sleep.
I just returned from Carl's house. I went there after my shift. Saturday and Sunday mornings are always terrible. I was very tired. I laid on his lap while he pet my head and rubbed my back. After that, we went to dinner at his grand parents house. We stayed for a few hours, and then went back to his place. We laid on the couch finishing our movie, then I left.
I'm not saying I made any progress this quickly, but maybe recognition of the problem was enough to quickly spark it into some sort of rational conciousness for me.
Either way, I'm not sure why I was so humble, and only felt the tinsiest bit bad. It was very foreign.
It just goes to show you that when you work on a problem, you feed the solution.
Low point of the night, at my newest job, I found out that the woman I work closest to deals my drug of choice. I set up a drop off already. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to just say no to myself. It is, after all, what helped me lose the 50 pounds right away after I got out of the hospital.