Sobriety

I've been two full days without vomiting once. Actually, that's not entierly true. I was brushing my teeth lightly and as always, they began to bleed. Trying to figure out the source, I touched it to my teeth, none of which were bleediing.
So I gently dabbed the back of my throat, but inhaled... I don't know why. The paper towel got stuck in my throat, which I washed down with water. I threw up the paper towel and some of the cream soda because digesting it would be terribly painful. I've also been sticking stirictly to my diet.
1000 calories a day, exercising five times per week. I'm already at my lowest weight since last year at this time. I'm really excited for the progress that I'm going to make and continue to make. I don't want to be bulimic anymore. I don't want to starve.
I'm writing a memoir. Mainly for myself. Maybe I'll post it one day, if I ever finish it. The battle is not over yet, and until it is, the book will never have an ending.
Also, not drinking or smoking because it causes overeating.
Surprisingly, I haven't been doing any cocaine. It's not nearly as addictive as your teachers pretend it is.

Human desires

I've been using amphetamines for days. Yesterday, I threw up sixteen times. I went to yoga class. Yoga always seems to cause me to be more healthy. I never throw up afterward. I lost 2.2 pounds in one day. I'm falling back into my habits of restriction. I have the worst desires for it. I've been really triggered by the memiors I've been ready about eating disorders. I've been really getting back into it. I have the worst mindset. I will not do this to myself. I will not kill myself. I try so hard to chose recovery. I'm chosing recovery. I'm going to continue choosing recovery. I will always struggle over watching myself die. I really need this for myself. My teeth are so bad, I have to get so many root canals. Something is missing in my life, and I believe that it is strength. It's the worst feeling ever to admit that to myself. I don't want to need food, recovery, safety. Eating disorder girls often have a strong repulsion for themselves when they have a physical desire. Sex, food, anything really. And I have the same thing.
When it comes down to it, its some thing too difficult to explain. How can there be such a contradiction within one person? The strong desire to die and thrive and to be remembered as the women with self control. And also the strong desire to be safe and coddled and for someone to tell you that yourejust going to be safe. I need to be safe. Perhaps only from myself.

I'm going to an Andrew Jackson Jihad show tomorrow. I will be serene.

I want to be alone

I'm really drowning here. I can't do school, I hate school. I want to live care free. I want to be happy. Carl is the best boyfriend I've ever had. Some times when we have sex I feel like I'm merely an object. That we're having sex not making love. He's so quiet and... it just makes me feel gross. Some times I really hate having sex. It makes me feel I'm being violated. I stopped him in the middle of it and bawled. Honestly, I don't know what came over me. He was really nice about it. We had been fighting previously. I don't think make-up sex is my thing. It made me feel so dirty.
I just want to live alone so I can constantly count calories in the dark and sit alone focused on staying on track. I hate living with other people. People worry, because people notice. Its annoying.

One of the things I really need to work on the most is my eating disorder. I'm going to begin recording my intake and how often I use symptoms.
Today:
One luna lemon zest bar.
One apple sauce.
One apple
One oz. Sunchips.
One yoplait yogurt.
Two fruit roll ups
2 oz light pringles chips.
.75 oz pringles chips.
10 serving Crystal light lemonade
2 tbs port wine cheese.
18 wheat thins

I haven't thrown up today for the first time in weeks. I'm slightly dizzy and I feel really full. I just want to eat.

The first step towards my own twisted sexual sobriety

I have just been SO tired lately. I work so much(two jobs) that I never have time to sleep. Yesterday I drove all the way to wisconsin to see off my cousin before she moved away. I got up at six, drove hours and hours, had lunch with her, and drove back, went to work, and crashed to sleep.
I just returned from Carl's house. I went there after my shift. Saturday and Sunday mornings are always terrible. I was very tired. I laid on his lap while he pet my head and rubbed my back. After that, we went to dinner at his grand parents house. We stayed for a few hours, and then went back to his place. We laid on the couch finishing our movie, then I left.
I'm not saying I made any progress this quickly, but maybe recognition of the problem was enough to quickly spark it into some sort of rational conciousness for me.
Either way, I'm not sure why I was so humble, and only felt the tinsiest bit bad. It was very foreign.
It just goes to show you that when you work on a problem, you feed the solution.
Low point of the night, at my newest job, I found out that the woman I work closest to deals my drug of choice. I set up a drop off already. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to just say no to myself. It is, after all, what helped me lose the 50 pounds right away after I got out of the hospital.