Everything I Hate About You

I hate that you broke up with me after promising you wouldn't
I hate that you would never stay out late
I hate that you were allergic to cats
I hate that you never kissed me
I hate that you didn't put any effort into making love
I hate that you didn't ever let me be on top
I hate that you could never hold an erection
I hate that you never gave me oral sex
I hate that you were treated like a child
I hate that you had a curfew
I hate that you never slept over
I hate that you never let me sleep in your arms
I hate that you were so stubborn
I hate that you always made me feel bad about myself
I hate it when you cut your hair
I hate that you would never come out with me
I hate that you hated parties
I hate that you broke your sobriety
I hate your sobriety
I hate that you were so judgmental about my drinking
I hate that you never allowed me to be myself
I hate that I met you at a crossroad, and you would have preferred I take the other path
I hate that your parents controlled you
I hate that you hated my music
I hate that you'd rather be alone then with me
I hate that you neglected me
I hate that you lied
I hate that you lead me on
I hate that you did everything you did
I hate that you were so kind, but FUCK YOU. You were so cruel at the end
I hate that you stood me up
I hate that you can make me feel so ugly
I hate that you never called me beautiful
I hate that you are who you are
I hate that you made me waste so much time.
I hate that you're such a coward.
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate that you left me, when we were supposed to be together forever.

Peace out.

Done with Carl and all of his fucking bullshit. 

He's a coward. 

I'm leaving for the Windy City on Thursday and not coming back. 

Not eating anything. I'm drunk or high from the roof top to the parking lot. 

I started sleeping with some guy. It made me realize how selfish Carl was in bed. He never even bothered to kiss me. I don't want him back, I just want someone who loves me. I can't do that in this body. My therapist wants me to do treatment. I'm saying no. Maybe I'll just move allllll the way to Chicago. 

I'm seriously over my current life. I need something more fresh. 

Carl stood me up on all of our dates so far, lead me on for a month.. Fuck him. I don't need him. 

x

Santosha- Only when we can be content in the midst of difficulty can we be truly free. Only when we can remain open in the midst of pain do we understand what true openness is. In our relationships, when we accept those around us as they truly are, not as we want them to be, we are practicing santosha. 

A moment of honesty with myself.

I feel so bad for my body. My heart's been palpitating an awful lot as of late. The poor thing. Sometimes I am capable of recognizing it as different then my soul; nothing but what my whole manifested itself into. Other times I feel as if my body is all that I am capable of being, just a body. 
Baby, please forgive me. I'll treat you better. 

Now is No Time to be Sober

I'm drowning.
I went to see my therapist over at the eating disorder clinic. She said that my confidence has been absent since my last visit, and my recent weight gain. Who would want to be with someone like that? I'm always surrounded by people, but so lonely. Who can I reach out to without ruining the party? Nobody.
I'm always with my friends. my emotions are constantly suppressed. I'm so lonely. Someone pull me out. Twenty-nine days until our next date; that probably won't work out. My birthday is this weekend. We're meeting to exchange our things tomorrow morning. God, it's killing me.

Nobody needs to tell me how to get down, but won't somebody show me how to get back up?

Feel free to reach out. This blog is my only outlet where I don't feel like I'm destroying the good vibes.

Sex Addicts Anonymous

Going to another meeting. Now that Carl is out of the picture, I need sex(as always, but now I can't have it) to feel like I'm going to be okay. It's been hard not throwing up the last few days. Since I was young, I've been able to tell myself that I can gain power over my addictions and mental illnesses, but truth is, if it were that easy, there would be no addicts. It's been hard to allow myself sobriety over the last couple of days. God knows they've been so hard. I think the real reason I'm not out drinking is because of how alcohol is processed; as a simple carb and sugar. Those are what make you fat. I didn't drink yesterday, only had a few hard boiled eggs (even though I hated them) And a couple of cheese-itz and I lost 1.2 pounds. I'm down 4.8 in the last few days. Here we go, baby. I'm determined to be beautiful by July.

If I can maintain this sobriety from every urge that it's so hard to resist, I can be whole again.

I'm worried charlie met someone. He's really good looking. What will I do if we can't go on our date because he has a new girlfriend? It would kill me. I'd be so jealous of the way he treats them, so perfectly. 

FUCK ME. I'm so stupid. I just want him to hold me again. Four weeks, two days. Here we go.

Night Thoughts on Ghosts.

I haven't slept in days. I'm looking around my room. It's too far past midnight. I can't sleep, everything here reminds me of him. As soon as he left me, I knew what I had to do. I had to be beautiful again when he saw me. I had to glow like when he first met me. He never signed up to be with a fat girl. I've been struggling not
to call him. I know to make him want me back I can't pick up the phone. Above my bed, a picture of us, and a box filled with our memories. To my right, the locket he bought me for my seventeenth birthday, a toy we used to play with, the candles we used to light together. To my left, the walking stick he carved for me. Beneath me, the bed we made so many memories on. Pictures of him and evidence of our relationship litter my room. The roses that he bought  me are in my window sill, most of the buds died, but I'm trying to keep the plant alive. Something to hold onto. If we're over, I'll plant it in our memory, in the ground. Its dying because of the lack of sunlight, nutrition; just like me. When I went over to his house, he gripped me so hard, as if he was afraid to let me go. He asked if I had been throwing up again. I said yes, far before the fights started. I always lied to him about the ways I destroyed myself. He notices, but never acted like he did. He made me swear to stop before the last time I would see him. I agreed. I created a recovery calender, tracking my weight loss on it to. I can't throw up if I'm not eating anything.
What I've lost over the last few months is my confidence. With the recent weight gain, it's been terrifying to look the world in the eye. I'm not holding myself like I love myself anymore. No wonder he's leaving. Next time he sees me, I'll be like I was when we first met; beautiful, confident, thin, indestructible.
My room, I can't wait to leave it. Everything relates back to him somehow. Can't wait to leave, can't wait to be on my own.
I can't remember the last time I body checked so much. It's storming, and I wish he was here to listen to the rain and thunder. We did always love to do that.
I've been eating a lot of protein, hard boiled eggs. I hate the yolks, but I'm making myself eat them anyway. Need the protein. I can't bring myself to want to eat anymore.
I just wish I could fall asleep. All of these sleepless nights just make it worse. I can't sleep because I want to call him. Thank god I saved all of those voicemails. Even listening to ones  from a month back, he loved me. He loved me so much. I never did deserve him. I never appreciated him correctly. I'm bitchy and I'm mean.
I wonder if he'll sleep with someone else while we're on break. I don't think I could bring myself to do it. The thought of even kissing someone else made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm letting my body take a break now. I can't process as much alcohol as I wanted to. I'm such a mess.
The other day I went in to get my Depo shot( A type of birth control). When I was left along by the nurse, I tried desperately to fit my hand far enough down in the medical waste container that I cut it. All I wanted was a syringe. I would  have gone to the clean needle exchange this week. Maybe I'll shoot up. I have so many goals for this summer. This wasn't one of them. My fingers couldn't reach anyway. I was so close to being able to grab one, but I couldn't quite make it. Next time. I'm going in next week to ask for Vicodin.
It's my fault we're over. nobody left to hold me while we sleep. Nobody who knows me so well, and knows exactly how to make me feel special and beautiful all the time. Nobody left to sing me to sleep...
Whiskey always was my kind of lullaby.