I finally gave up. After another month of being drunk every night and not eating, I came to the point of a near heart-attack. When I went in for an intake at the eating disorder hospital (I won't disclose which) the doctor was shocked at the amount I had been vomiting and said she had never seen such violent heart palpatations. This is coming from a woman who specializes in eating disorders, the sick.
I finally got my shit together. On monday, the 28th was my official intake. The doctor was insistant that I did extensive care, however, insurace wouldn't cover it. Or even intense care. So they put me on a twelve hour program. The people here are sweet, but it's different from my last time here. There are no men, first off. and nobody talks to eachother, really. Nobody is friends with one another. The enviorment is nice. I have a great care manager, dietician, and therapist. The doctor's okay.
I'm doing all of my schooling online now. I have a lot of down time. My goal is to be symptom free by early March. Then I want to go back to school. My weight has already shot up, but the doctor assured me that within a week it would go back down. My body's just holding onto the food now, but will get rid of the excess fat as soon as it's out of starvation mode.
The worst part about being here is that for twelve hours a day I'm not allowed to smoke. If I do, I am immediately discharged to level one (only here for team).
They've already taken me off of a meal plan, which was somewhat shocking. It made me very upset at first, but now I kind of like it. When I go down to the cafeteria, it makes me anxious to pick out my food along side all of the other adults who know exactly what their tallies are supposed to be. Meanwhile, I sit there wondering what's allowed for me to have. Have I had enough vegetables today? Have I eaten enough? Have I eaten too much?
A lot of foods are more than one food group. Say, a yogurt. It counts as a milk and a fruit. That's 150 calories. Or I could have 1/2 a cup of fresh strawberries (50 cal) and a cheese stick (80 cal). What do I do? tallies are so different from one another. I'm so afraid that I'm not chosing the most healthy option. What would thin me say?
Oh, as for my diagnosis, I was diagnosed with EDNOS- anorexia, bulimia, and binge all mixed together. At age eighteen, I'm ready to be done with this. Have of my life has passed with no sense of normal.
My therapist is trying to get me rediagnosed with anorexia. I don't know why she would bother. She said it's because the only reason I let myself eat is because I know I can get rid of it. People make me uncomfortable.
Well, here it is, kitties. I'm finally getting the help that I need, and I'm finally going to be able to give advice on how to recover, rather than just saying I'm going to.
The first step is taking the first step.
