Back in Treatment

If I am not drunk enough, I can never know freedom. I can only allow myself bittersweet perfection when the room spins.
I become the most horrifying of all of my nightmares, terrified of self. Not able to spend quality times with my own feelings. I can only cry.
My best friend is in town. The days will blend together in a drunken slur. In the blink of an eye, she'll be gone. Nothing will be worth it, just like usual.

Drowning

I'm going to walk 'til the concrete ends, shoot dope until the money's all spent.
Drowning.

Lately, everything is breaking my heart

My friends moved away to Chicago. 

I moved away from myself. 

Eat, Throw up, work, eat, throw up, work, don't eat, go to bed, pray I got everything out.

My life is so miserable, suddenly.

I've been starving, not because I want to. I don't eat because I can't eat.

Everything I want is always in reach. I just need a new body to accomplish it.

I'm afraid I might die.

I'm sick, so sick, so sick.

A new body means freedom. I can have anything I want. Even if Carl never comes back to me, I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm more beautiful and desired then ever.

I've been hooking up with the friends that I have left. Party friends that serve purpose of no personal development, just distraction.

At least they think I'm beautiful.

I don't want to go out, but I do.

I let the blotters dissolve on my tongue.  As soon as it hits my blood stream, nothing matters. I could die, for all I care. I'm happy. Nothing is quite like that rush of dope to the system, nothing quite like that shimmery white powder. 

I'm starting to believe that these highways don't lead any place but I'm starting to believe I'll ride them to my grave.

Everything I Hate About You

I hate that you broke up with me after promising you wouldn't
I hate that you would never stay out late
I hate that you were allergic to cats
I hate that you never kissed me
I hate that you didn't put any effort into making love
I hate that you didn't ever let me be on top
I hate that you could never hold an erection
I hate that you never gave me oral sex
I hate that you were treated like a child
I hate that you had a curfew
I hate that you never slept over
I hate that you never let me sleep in your arms
I hate that you were so stubborn
I hate that you always made me feel bad about myself
I hate it when you cut your hair
I hate that you would never come out with me
I hate that you hated parties
I hate that you broke your sobriety
I hate your sobriety
I hate that you were so judgmental about my drinking
I hate that you never allowed me to be myself
I hate that I met you at a crossroad, and you would have preferred I take the other path
I hate that your parents controlled you
I hate that you hated my music
I hate that you'd rather be alone then with me
I hate that you neglected me
I hate that you lied
I hate that you lead me on
I hate that you did everything you did
I hate that you were so kind, but FUCK YOU. You were so cruel at the end
I hate that you stood me up
I hate that you can make me feel so ugly
I hate that you never called me beautiful
I hate that you are who you are
I hate that you made me waste so much time.
I hate that you're such a coward.
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate that you left me, when we were supposed to be together forever.

Peace out.

Done with Carl and all of his fucking bullshit. 

He's a coward. 

I'm leaving for the Windy City on Thursday and not coming back. 

Not eating anything. I'm drunk or high from the roof top to the parking lot. 

I started sleeping with some guy. It made me realize how selfish Carl was in bed. He never even bothered to kiss me. I don't want him back, I just want someone who loves me. I can't do that in this body. My therapist wants me to do treatment. I'm saying no. Maybe I'll just move allllll the way to Chicago. 

I'm seriously over my current life. I need something more fresh. 

Carl stood me up on all of our dates so far, lead me on for a month.. Fuck him. I don't need him. 

x

Santosha- Only when we can be content in the midst of difficulty can we be truly free. Only when we can remain open in the midst of pain do we understand what true openness is. In our relationships, when we accept those around us as they truly are, not as we want them to be, we are practicing santosha. 

A moment of honesty with myself.

I feel so bad for my body. My heart's been palpitating an awful lot as of late. The poor thing. Sometimes I am capable of recognizing it as different then my soul; nothing but what my whole manifested itself into. Other times I feel as if my body is all that I am capable of being, just a body. 
Baby, please forgive me. I'll treat you better. 

Now is No Time to be Sober

I'm drowning.
I went to see my therapist over at the eating disorder clinic. She said that my confidence has been absent since my last visit, and my recent weight gain. Who would want to be with someone like that? I'm always surrounded by people, but so lonely. Who can I reach out to without ruining the party? Nobody.
I'm always with my friends. my emotions are constantly suppressed. I'm so lonely. Someone pull me out. Twenty-nine days until our next date; that probably won't work out. My birthday is this weekend. We're meeting to exchange our things tomorrow morning. God, it's killing me.

Nobody needs to tell me how to get down, but won't somebody show me how to get back up?

Feel free to reach out. This blog is my only outlet where I don't feel like I'm destroying the good vibes.

Sex Addicts Anonymous

Going to another meeting. Now that Carl is out of the picture, I need sex(as always, but now I can't have it) to feel like I'm going to be okay. It's been hard not throwing up the last few days. Since I was young, I've been able to tell myself that I can gain power over my addictions and mental illnesses, but truth is, if it were that easy, there would be no addicts. It's been hard to allow myself sobriety over the last couple of days. God knows they've been so hard. I think the real reason I'm not out drinking is because of how alcohol is processed; as a simple carb and sugar. Those are what make you fat. I didn't drink yesterday, only had a few hard boiled eggs (even though I hated them) And a couple of cheese-itz and I lost 1.2 pounds. I'm down 4.8 in the last few days. Here we go, baby. I'm determined to be beautiful by July.

If I can maintain this sobriety from every urge that it's so hard to resist, I can be whole again.

I'm worried charlie met someone. He's really good looking. What will I do if we can't go on our date because he has a new girlfriend? It would kill me. I'd be so jealous of the way he treats them, so perfectly. 

FUCK ME. I'm so stupid. I just want him to hold me again. Four weeks, two days. Here we go.

Night Thoughts on Ghosts.

I haven't slept in days. I'm looking around my room. It's too far past midnight. I can't sleep, everything here reminds me of him. As soon as he left me, I knew what I had to do. I had to be beautiful again when he saw me. I had to glow like when he first met me. He never signed up to be with a fat girl. I've been struggling not
to call him. I know to make him want me back I can't pick up the phone. Above my bed, a picture of us, and a box filled with our memories. To my right, the locket he bought me for my seventeenth birthday, a toy we used to play with, the candles we used to light together. To my left, the walking stick he carved for me. Beneath me, the bed we made so many memories on. Pictures of him and evidence of our relationship litter my room. The roses that he bought  me are in my window sill, most of the buds died, but I'm trying to keep the plant alive. Something to hold onto. If we're over, I'll plant it in our memory, in the ground. Its dying because of the lack of sunlight, nutrition; just like me. When I went over to his house, he gripped me so hard, as if he was afraid to let me go. He asked if I had been throwing up again. I said yes, far before the fights started. I always lied to him about the ways I destroyed myself. He notices, but never acted like he did. He made me swear to stop before the last time I would see him. I agreed. I created a recovery calender, tracking my weight loss on it to. I can't throw up if I'm not eating anything.
What I've lost over the last few months is my confidence. With the recent weight gain, it's been terrifying to look the world in the eye. I'm not holding myself like I love myself anymore. No wonder he's leaving. Next time he sees me, I'll be like I was when we first met; beautiful, confident, thin, indestructible.
My room, I can't wait to leave it. Everything relates back to him somehow. Can't wait to leave, can't wait to be on my own.
I can't remember the last time I body checked so much. It's storming, and I wish he was here to listen to the rain and thunder. We did always love to do that.
I've been eating a lot of protein, hard boiled eggs. I hate the yolks, but I'm making myself eat them anyway. Need the protein. I can't bring myself to want to eat anymore.
I just wish I could fall asleep. All of these sleepless nights just make it worse. I can't sleep because I want to call him. Thank god I saved all of those voicemails. Even listening to ones  from a month back, he loved me. He loved me so much. I never did deserve him. I never appreciated him correctly. I'm bitchy and I'm mean.
I wonder if he'll sleep with someone else while we're on break. I don't think I could bring myself to do it. The thought of even kissing someone else made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm letting my body take a break now. I can't process as much alcohol as I wanted to. I'm such a mess.
The other day I went in to get my Depo shot( A type of birth control). When I was left along by the nurse, I tried desperately to fit my hand far enough down in the medical waste container that I cut it. All I wanted was a syringe. I would  have gone to the clean needle exchange this week. Maybe I'll shoot up. I have so many goals for this summer. This wasn't one of them. My fingers couldn't reach anyway. I was so close to being able to grab one, but I couldn't quite make it. Next time. I'm going in next week to ask for Vicodin.
It's my fault we're over. nobody left to hold me while we sleep. Nobody who knows me so well, and knows exactly how to make me feel special and beautiful all the time. Nobody left to sing me to sleep...
Whiskey always was my kind of lullaby.

Break

Carl dumped me a day before our graduation, after I was the only reason he graduated. He was failing a necessary class and I did five hours worth of work for him. In the past couple days, I've dropped five pounds, still falling. He talked about it later, because the breakup wasn't official before, we were 'going on break'. Well, on the ninth he called me at 11:03 pm, after we hadn't talked for a couple of days and broke up with me over the phone. Two years together and he had the fucking audacity to break up with me over the phone.
I demanded that I come over, I said our relationship deserved more respect then that. He agreed, reluctantly, so I drove over. Arrived at about 12:15, I stayed until 1:30. After relentless pleading that we can make things work, we decided that in one month, only July 12th (Which would have been our official two years together as a couple) we're going to go on a date to see if things can work.
I'll tell you, man, Melrose made me weight spike up to 172 from 135. I've been working on losing that weight. Nothing could have worked better then this. Part of me knows that he doesn't find me beautiful anymore, and that's why he doesn't want to be with me. What young, attractive guy wants to fuck a fat girl? So I'm working on that for our next date. It's been really easy so far. The pounds are just falling off of my body.
The hardest thing is to not call him. Every single day for the last two years we've talked before bed about our days. Silence is so lonely. I've been drunk every day for a few weeks, too, which I know I'll need to stop if I want Carl back.
I just had this teenagers conviction that things would be different with us.
Stupid girl, you should've known.
Welcome back, Ana

Step Two: Acceptance

It hasn't been easy for me to accept that my weight has skyrocketed since I began recovery. It's something that I've been afraid of for as long as I can remember. My weight has fluxuated from 130 to 160. However, almost all of it was water weight. or muscle mass. My measurements are still almost identical to what they were before. And as I improved my, my PT (physical therapy) plan allowed me my aerobics back. So now I've been going to the gym for an hour or two per day. I'm not over excersising or straining my body. I'm even taking a day today to let myself rest. I've been going to yoga classes to and practicing my yoga, but that's nothing new.
As I've began excercising and have gainied more freedom over my mealplan and have been eating more HEALTHY meals (not low calorie, healthy) the weight has come off. I'm losing about a pound or two per day. Which is worrying my doctors, but since I was at such a high part of my weight range, they're actually happy the weight is coming off. They tell me that their goal isn't to make me fat, but their goal is to teach me how to maintain my weight in a healthy, non-obsessive way.
 I will admit, it certainly isn't easy. I'm beginning to fear that my excersising is borderline compulsive. I struggle not to vomit every day. I struggle with eating 'too much' or not enough. My eating disorder is so strong. My goal for health is encouraging it to be weaker though. I know what I need to do, it just feels so hard to do when I'm so unhappy with my body, and weight.
The Positives I've noticed:
- Mood is much more stable.
- Measurments haven't changed.
- Excess weight is coming off.
- Hair is becoming less brittle.
- Nails aren't breaking off quite as much
- Skin is returning to it's natural olive tone rather than pale white.
- I'm a lot happier.
- I don't need to run to the bathroom every single time I eat.
- I wake up feeling healthy, rather than desperately sick.
- I don't worry about dying every day
- My Heart palpatations are going away!!
- People around me are happier because they're not as worried.
- I'm not losing and gaining the same weight back every couple days.
'Gaining weight and pulling my head out of the toilet was the most political act I've ever comitted'.

Ending Treatment

I've had a few practice days at home now, and it's been really hard. Since starting treatment a mere month ago, I have gained twenty-five pounds. It's really disgusting, I know. My mother doesn't make it any easier, accusing me left and right of not being able to beat this. She makes me so mad. She constantly accuses me of binge eating. Thanks, mom. I've never even been one to binge, really. She just frustrates me a lot.
But here I am, four weeks symptom free and signing off of the bulimia train.
Carl and I haven't had sex in two weeks, not even on valentine's day. I fear that it's because of the weight gain. What do I do now? I don't know. Him and I still see eachother, we still hang out alone. but no sex. He claims that it's just a stress problem. It's making my recovery so much harder, but I think telling him that would just make it worse. So I'm trying to keep it to myself, and here I stand at 151 pounds. What I would do to keep off this weight. I don't want to live in this body anymore. I wish that I could do the process without the excess weight on my body. They keep promising me that it will go back down, but I know it's lies. Because I've been weighing myself at home too. I've done weight exposure, and they're such fucking liars. They said that my weight goes up, but goes right back down and stabalizes. Bull shit. I hate that they lie to me, I hate that I'm stuck in this body. I hate that this is what it's come to. but I know that if I don't keep fighting another day, my body will become just as sick as it's always been. Tomorrow is my last day of higher level care. Yippie.
My mom doesn't think I'm ready. I'm finally ready to talk about it. I hate everything. I'm so desperate for my body to return to what I resented before. I'd give anything for my stomache to be flat again. Fuck. It's so hard to carry on. I just focus on how much I want my life to go on... not to die.
I haven't been that drunk lately, but I haven't been that sober. I went on this WILD ecstacy trip the other day. To those who aren't recovering drug addicts and simply recreational users, I would recommend trying this before you die. It's the most fun I've ever had in my life. I love doing x. I've always loved it. Even the worst shit is the best shit.

Stay strong, kitties.
x

The First Step is Taking the First Step.

I finally gave up. After another month of being drunk every night and not eating, I came to the point of a near heart-attack. When I went in for an intake at the eating disorder hospital (I won't disclose which) the doctor was shocked at the amount I had been vomiting and said she had never seen such violent heart palpatations. This is coming from a woman who specializes in eating disorders, the sick.
I finally got my shit together. On monday, the 28th was my official intake. The doctor was insistant that I did extensive care, however, insurace wouldn't cover it. Or even intense care. So they put me on a twelve hour program. The people here are sweet, but it's different from my last time here. There are no men, first off. and nobody talks to eachother, really. Nobody is friends with one another. The enviorment is nice. I have a great care manager, dietician, and therapist. The doctor's okay.
I'm doing all of my schooling online now. I have a lot of down time. My goal is to be symptom free by early March. Then I want to go back to school. My weight has already shot up, but the doctor assured me that within a week it would go back down. My body's just holding onto the food now, but will get rid of the excess fat as soon as it's out of starvation mode.
The worst part about being here is that for twelve hours a day I'm not allowed to smoke. If I do, I am immediately discharged to level one (only here for team).
They've already taken me off of a meal plan, which was somewhat shocking. It made me very upset at first, but now I kind of like it. When I go down to the cafeteria, it makes me anxious to pick out my food along side all of the other adults who know exactly what their tallies are supposed to be. Meanwhile, I sit there wondering what's allowed for me to have. Have I had enough vegetables today? Have I eaten enough? Have I eaten too much?
A lot of foods are more than one food group. Say, a yogurt. It counts as a milk and a fruit. That's 150 calories. Or I could have 1/2 a cup of fresh strawberries (50 cal) and a cheese stick (80 cal). What do I do? tallies are so different from one another. I'm so afraid that I'm not chosing the most healthy option. What would thin me say?
Oh, as for my diagnosis, I was diagnosed with EDNOS- anorexia, bulimia, and binge all mixed together. At age eighteen, I'm ready to be done with this. Have of my life has passed with no sense of normal.
My therapist is trying to get me rediagnosed with anorexia. I don't know why she would bother. She said it's because the only reason I let myself eat is because I know I can get rid of it. People make me uncomfortable.
Well, here it is, kitties. I'm finally getting the help that I need, and I'm finally going to be able to give advice on how to recover, rather than just saying I'm going to.
The first step is taking the first step.