Everything update

I've been sober all week. Carl and I have been getting along famously. Everything's been annoyingly happy-go-lucky. I need a little more of that angst. My car did break during a snow storm. My friend and I slid and crashed and broke the front end.i can still use it. I've been so overwhelmed with finals. I've been taking a lot of adderall and vyvanse to keep up with that and he holiday shopping. And the lack of money. I haven't been eating much. I put myself on a low calorie low fat low carb diet. If I eat anything at all. Most of my friends that take these don't eat, so I feel like it should be normal. But I don't eat and I love it. If I wasn't lying to myself, I would admit that I took it for the love of the fact that I don't eat. This worries me. At least I'm not throwing up. It's a trade off. The drug abuse, besides has been fine. No cocaine or anything. I did buy a few hits of acid in case the world ends this week. Excuses.
I promised myself I'd only do the acid if the world started going to shit. But I know I'll do it anyway. The life of a young girl tying to survive in the modern world.

And because you kittens want to know what my body looked like post recovery, I'll post that. Forgive the scandalous nature of it. I'm about 130 here

Sex.

It's been getting easier to be calm is Carl and I don't have sex. All of the meetings have really been useful. The other day he picked me up and I saw my reflection in the mirror. And it disgusted me. I've been eating very healthy. I don't know why that isn't evident. But my stomach looked so gross.
Many a people have been asking me for pictures. I'm very reluctant because I would like to maintain my anonymity. I am considering it.
One more thing; eating disorders are not something I would ever encourage. I've been getting messages saying that my blog is triggering. Please understand that that is not my intention. I do not find eating disorders glamorous. They're wretched. I'm a normal weight and have destroyed my throat, my teeth, my organs, my skin. all for what? Being five pounds less than if I hadn't been throwing up my food? I don't miss my anorexic tendencies that consumed me for seven years. But dear god, why would i turn to bulimia. I hate myself for letting it happen. Every morning I wake up my throat hurts. Eating disorders are not worth it

Thanksgiving

It's the first one where I haven't faked sick or thrown up until my throat bled and I passed out.
I credit my boyfriend. I asked him not to let me in the bathroom for two hours after we eat ( about the amount of time it takes for mr to digest ) I said I was going into the bathroom to fix my hair and he insisted he come with. I went outside to smoke and nearly splattered the food across the snow. I resisted though. This is a milestone for me. I also noticed for the first time how much my family criticizes the way one another eats: Chris, could you eat one meal without salsa? Hannah, could you try not mixing those foods gig once. It's kind of hard to sit through.
When Carl and I went home we snuggled up and watched a movie. No sex. And I didn't freak out. These are both signs that I'm slowly getting better.
Hope thanksgiving wasn't hard on everyone.

Trial period

I am fed up with my mood swings and cuttings self breaks all of the time. I'm fed up with letting myself down. So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to go see my old team (doctor, nutritionist, therapist, psychiatrist) and get a meal plan. As mad as I will be at myself, for the next six months I'm going to monitor my recovery. I'm going to give health a little trial period. And after its all said and done if I really want to let myself get sick again, so be it.
On another note, the meetings I've been going to have made me much more capable of achieving a happier relationship. I don't feel like its one of the few things that define my worth any longer, which is nice.
I'm still using drugs and drinking, but not as often. I don't know if that'll ever stop unless I'm not around my friends. To give you guys a better idea, at this performing art school the beautiful men and women who are always tripping are the top of the school. Performing arts schools are weird. But I just happen to be one of those girls. All of our friends are either punk kids or hippie kids, either way we just want to rock out.
Our common drugs are LSD cocaine pot and heroin. I don't do heroin and neither do most of my friends. Bit it's not too uncommon. I don't to make it sound like we're always on heavy drugs; they're just for fun at parties. But in always using something even if its just pot or alcohol. Sobriety is hard at my school. Especially when you're at the top. I have no idea how my boyfriend does it.
And there's no chance I'll be quitting smoking in this six months

Dinner results

Typical. I threw up and up and up and away. I knew I would. Weak bitch. I'm trying so hard to be healthy. I noticed that I was really snappy, almost mean before I got food in me. I think I should up my diet a bit. But fuck. Five times in one night.

First meal out.

I haven't eaten a full meal in days and days. It just doesn't feel safe. As a celebration of Carl's new job, we're going out to dinner tonight. I really, really don't want to go out to dinner. I ate a couple light pringles this morning to allow myself calories to work with. I'm nervous. He won't even tell me where we're going "it's a surprise" he says. I hope that means that it's some place that he'll know I love. I hope I don't freak out. I hope I don't throw up. I can't eat. I've had three times as many diet slimfast fat burners as I normally drink.
People have been asking a lot for pictures of the two of us. I would prefer to remain anonymous
Also, pictures of my body might be off of the market because I have tattoos from which I can be identified. I'll update after dinner if I'm not in the bathroom.
I never go out to eat anymore. I know how they make the food taste good. I haven't really gone out to dinner since I was in Melrose Institute years ago.
Of course, I go to casual places. Not anywhere where I'm expected to have a meal.

Sobriety

I've been two full days without vomiting once. Actually, that's not entierly true. I was brushing my teeth lightly and as always, they began to bleed. Trying to figure out the source, I touched it to my teeth, none of which were bleediing.
So I gently dabbed the back of my throat, but inhaled... I don't know why. The paper towel got stuck in my throat, which I washed down with water. I threw up the paper towel and some of the cream soda because digesting it would be terribly painful. I've also been sticking stirictly to my diet.
1000 calories a day, exercising five times per week. I'm already at my lowest weight since last year at this time. I'm really excited for the progress that I'm going to make and continue to make. I don't want to be bulimic anymore. I don't want to starve.
I'm writing a memoir. Mainly for myself. Maybe I'll post it one day, if I ever finish it. The battle is not over yet, and until it is, the book will never have an ending.
Also, not drinking or smoking because it causes overeating.
Surprisingly, I haven't been doing any cocaine. It's not nearly as addictive as your teachers pretend it is.

Human desires

I've been using amphetamines for days. Yesterday, I threw up sixteen times. I went to yoga class. Yoga always seems to cause me to be more healthy. I never throw up afterward. I lost 2.2 pounds in one day. I'm falling back into my habits of restriction. I have the worst desires for it. I've been really triggered by the memiors I've been ready about eating disorders. I've been really getting back into it. I have the worst mindset. I will not do this to myself. I will not kill myself. I try so hard to chose recovery. I'm chosing recovery. I'm going to continue choosing recovery. I will always struggle over watching myself die. I really need this for myself. My teeth are so bad, I have to get so many root canals. Something is missing in my life, and I believe that it is strength. It's the worst feeling ever to admit that to myself. I don't want to need food, recovery, safety. Eating disorder girls often have a strong repulsion for themselves when they have a physical desire. Sex, food, anything really. And I have the same thing.
When it comes down to it, its some thing too difficult to explain. How can there be such a contradiction within one person? The strong desire to die and thrive and to be remembered as the women with self control. And also the strong desire to be safe and coddled and for someone to tell you that yourejust going to be safe. I need to be safe. Perhaps only from myself.

I'm going to an Andrew Jackson Jihad show tomorrow. I will be serene.

Triggers

Carl and I haven't had sex in a week. We've been together four of the seven days. He keeps saying 'not tonight, I just want to snuggle'. I bet he wouldn't feel that way if I were thinner. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to bring it up to him either. He's such a good boyfriend, and when I do, he feels shitty about it, like he's not providing what he needs to to make me happy. He is neglecting my needs. But I don't think he deserves to feel like he is, because it's really the only one. He doesn't understand why I get so upset, why sex is so important to me. Why I need it to make myself feel beautiful.
He just started a job yesterday. Maybe that's it. We were laying together naked the other day, and nothing. He makes me feel so gross, so repulsive. He's always pushing away my hands and pushing me away and laughing. An uncomfortable laugh. As if he's saying 'darling, you're so silly to think I could want that'. I hate him for it. I truly do. Who is he to not want me? I know plenty of people would be happy to take care of me, emotionally and physically. I hate him so much.
'Sex, like bingeing, is an attempt to fill a void. Bulimic patients (...) tend to be more sexually active tan individuals who do not have eating disorders... not so much looking for a compatible annd comlementary parter as she is attempting to experience herself as more whole and alive. It alleviates terrifying anxiety and brings the other person close... to such a degree that the patient loses sight of any boundries between her and her partner. .. temporary loss of identity.' - Ibid
I'm ashamed to be bulimic. Anorexia feels so much cleaner. I felt super human. I once went eleven days with not one single calorie.

I want to be alone

I'm really drowning here. I can't do school, I hate school. I want to live care free. I want to be happy. Carl is the best boyfriend I've ever had. Some times when we have sex I feel like I'm merely an object. That we're having sex not making love. He's so quiet and... it just makes me feel gross. Some times I really hate having sex. It makes me feel I'm being violated. I stopped him in the middle of it and bawled. Honestly, I don't know what came over me. He was really nice about it. We had been fighting previously. I don't think make-up sex is my thing. It made me feel so dirty.
I just want to live alone so I can constantly count calories in the dark and sit alone focused on staying on track. I hate living with other people. People worry, because people notice. Its annoying.

Today

Intake: too much to scribble out. I always 'bing' when I'm with friends. Any thoughts on how to control myself without binging/purng/restricting when alone? I really could use the advice

One of the things I really need to work on the most is my eating disorder. I'm going to begin recording my intake and how often I use symptoms.
Today:
One luna lemon zest bar.
One apple sauce.
One apple
One oz. Sunchips.
One yoplait yogurt.
Two fruit roll ups
2 oz light pringles chips.
.75 oz pringles chips.
10 serving Crystal light lemonade
2 tbs port wine cheese.
18 wheat thins

I haven't thrown up today for the first time in weeks. I'm slightly dizzy and I feel really full. I just want to eat.

Urine speaks louder than words

I'm so fucking anti-political. Fuck having a job, fuck fitting in, fuck sobriety, fuck the ideal, the elite, brutality. I just want to go sit at a folk-punk show and get high on cocaine. I want to protest, I want to riot, I want my freedom. I want true freedom. Fuck responsibilities. One day I'll tell you without lying I was born to quit smoking, I was born to quit dying. On that day not doing heroin will be easy as piss. And I'll stop talking so much shit about the government. 'Cause urine speaks louder than words on politician, or on a prison warden.

The accident

I broke one of my bones. For the sake of my privacy, I won't say which or how I did it. But surprise, surprise, as the bone was shattered, I was given the prescription drug oxycotton. After I finished the first bottle, I was given a refill on it. I forgot to take it this morning, and I couldn't even survive the school day. Sadly, the broken bone means that I am unable to exercise. This has been realllllyy hard for me.

I also got a new scale because my old one has been acting up. It says that I've been at the same weight for the last four weeks. Sometimes, I will step on the scale and it'll say 128 and then I'll step off and on again, and it'll raise up to 148. Zeroing it out was ineffective. I got a new very nice one. And I stepped on it, and to my delight, I weighed five- ten pounds less than my old scale had told me(because the scale never gave me an accurate reading). When i continued stepping on and off, it continued to read the same weight.

One of my friends from treatment has been telling me stories about the dynamic of her and her family. They encourage her to exercise. As a matter of fact, they more force it. She's constantly called bloated. In the park the other day, some little kid asked her if she was having a baby. She always complains about her weight, which is high. She complains about being considered 'obese'. Any tips or advice on how to put a stop to her constatly fishing for me to call her thin? I know it's important for teenage girls to hear, especially the vulnerable ones. However, she knows that I'm lying to her when I tell her that she's not fat. She's not incredibly obese, but she's 5'5 and weights about 180. I want to encourage her to live a more healthy life style rather than constantly binging/purging, but I don't know how to without sending her spiraling into more hatred for her body. I know how bad this sounds, but it really is out of love and care. Advice?

Second SAA meeting.

I found myself, last time, very attracted to a man at the group. He offered to be my sponser. I've been making frequent phone calls to him when I'm left feeling neglected by my boyfriend. I found myself wanting to sleep with him. Very badly.
I went to a party tonight and I found myself attracted to one of my best friends. last Saturday I went to a party and found myself attracted to this friends best friend.
In the last month I started recording the days that I don't throw up. Two days in the lasy month. But each of these days has been a terrible achivement. I'm drowning. Help

sorry about the lack of updates. I've been moving around a lot. Drinking a lot. I've been exercising a lot. I feel so much healthier when I do. I've been so nervous about my relationship. Other women are more beautiful. Other women are the center of his attention. A hair ruffle here, and playful shove there. He treats other women identically to the way that he treats me. I feel so insignificant.

High on blow. Drunk on liquor. Throwing up all day. I forgot work.
Or maybe I was just too lazy to go. Or too messed up.
At least I didn't smoke today. My chest hurts. I feel elated, yet in the worst of ways, I feel disgusting. I can't help but envy the elegant. I certainly am not one of them. I am not classy when I snort cocaine. I am not one of the elite.
I'm a poor employee, I'm a poor human. Its time to turn things around. How did all of my suffering transfer itself into the most awful, painful habits. I'm fucking up, I'm fucking up, I'm fucking up.
I'm at a thousand page views with four comments. A thousand page views after a couple weeks. Come on guys. Common, guys. Let me your thoughts. Struggle with me, suffer with me, heal with me, hope with me.

A series of bad decisions

I bought an 8-ball tonight. I took 200 out of my college fund for it. It's been sitting in my bedroom, just waiting for me to take it. I feel like I'm going to devour it with such gusto that its going to kill me. Despite the diet, I've remained at the same weight for the last 15 days. It's getting so frustrating. I get so angry with myself for getting high and for having sex.
How do I seperate the good sex from the bad? How do I resist the 8-ball when the side effects will make my goals so easy to reach? How do I keep my boyfriend in love with me? He'll be so disappointed. How do I keep myself in check? How do you keep yourselves in check when you're drowning?
Today, one year ago Carl and I had sex for the first time. Its been a year, and I'm still horridly uncomfortable naked.
We celebrated by doing it on the kitchen table.

Giving up my life, as I had once before

I've had a girl in my life who has been my best friend for many years. When I go to her house, we often smoke weed, and I basically end up binging. With my 'sobriety' I assumed that I had the ability to break out of this cycle. I went over there, and something about the house just triggers me. The same thing happened.
I've been restricting a little. Naturally, not to the point of considering it anorexia. 500 calories a day. Im having a really hard time gettng myself together. What do you do to fix yourselves?

My second AA meeting, and the day surrounding

I went to a new place this time, much bigger than I had expected it to be. There must have been 100 people there. I went with a girl that I met at the first meeting I attended.
I am 24 hours sober. again. 'Let's hear it for the 24 hours!' This is followed by phony applause and many strangers congratulating you on something that wasn't earned or worked for.
It's the mondays, oddly enough, that kill me. Every Monday, same party. Get drunk, get silly, find peace and joy in the superficial passtime. I've got some friends, some that I hardly know, but we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world.
I feel dizzy sober, like nothing even exsists.
Anyway, this meeting was like a lottery. You come in the door, they hand you a raffle ticket, and if your number is called you speak about your alcoholism. I didn't take a ticket because I was late. Listening to so many perspectives gave me a great deal of insight into taking the first step.
I am an alcoholic/addict. But whatever higher power that I'm supposed to put in charge knows that I'm not ready to admit it.

The first step towards my own twisted sexual sobriety

I have just been SO tired lately. I work so much(two jobs) that I never have time to sleep. Yesterday I drove all the way to wisconsin to see off my cousin before she moved away. I got up at six, drove hours and hours, had lunch with her, and drove back, went to work, and crashed to sleep.
I just returned from Carl's house. I went there after my shift. Saturday and Sunday mornings are always terrible. I was very tired. I laid on his lap while he pet my head and rubbed my back. After that, we went to dinner at his grand parents house. We stayed for a few hours, and then went back to his place. We laid on the couch finishing our movie, then I left.
I'm not saying I made any progress this quickly, but maybe recognition of the problem was enough to quickly spark it into some sort of rational conciousness for me.
Either way, I'm not sure why I was so humble, and only felt the tinsiest bit bad. It was very foreign.
It just goes to show you that when you work on a problem, you feed the solution.
Low point of the night, at my newest job, I found out that the woman I work closest to deals my drug of choice. I set up a drop off already. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to just say no to myself. It is, after all, what helped me lose the 50 pounds right away after I got out of the hospital.

Sex and the (damaged) teenage mind

Yesterday carl returned from his trip to the upper peninsula. When he got back, we naturally made love. I didn't feel like I required it, so it was more on the healthy side. However, hadn't it happened, I would have gotten upset. I was only there from six to eleven. Normally, I would sleep over.
By the end of the night I was again craving the attention of the lust. When I tried kissing him and suducing him he said 'tomorrow, kitten. Tonight I'm too tired.' Which the rational part of my mind understands; he did just get back from a week long back packing trip. But the other side just couldn't help feeling rejected and ugly.
I made a call to the man that offered to sponsor me to ask for his advice. Stumbling through the phone call, I explained to him (we'll call him Dan) that 'my situation wasn't listed on the website' and 'I doubt that I even have a problem with sex'. But he laughed. He stopped me mid sentance saying 'X, you definetly have an addiction to sex. It isn't text book. It is an addiction to sex and a need for it, and you do have a problem.' So, I guess that's that. I can't just pretend its an imaginary problem anymore.
I told Carl what he said. I think he was trying too hard to be skeptical. I think we both kind of knew what was coming. But its hard to come to terms with that. Its easy to admit to myself, but very hard to accept it and to realize that I have to take steps to begin changing it. It's easy to admit to a blog. It was surprisingly easy to admit it to Carl. It's sorting through it that's going to be the tricky part, and I'm hardly prepared. I have a sexual addiction. I wish I could explain how real it is to someone other than myself. It's not as simple as 'not getting laid makes me feel bad'. It's more than that. I get this awful feeling of rejection because of some crushing imperfection that I have. I get so insecure that I can't function normally in the relationship as I would normally. This awful sense of betrayal overtakes me.
I guess here's to taking the first step and jumping right in.

Making Ammends.

Carl comes home today. I'm so excited to see him. Last night when I called him, I told him about the kiss. I had to improvise a little bit, but it's done. He's never been drunk before (Because of his father's struggle through alcoholism), so I knew that he wouldn't understand what it's like to wake up and kiss whoever you're next just because you're drunk and how it takes a second to react and pull away.
He's not mad. He knows the guy, and kind of found it funny. I'm happy that he wasn't angry, but I'm sad that he failed to recognize that I hit rock bottom.
He also sent me a message saying he'd be back home with me in an  hour and that he was completely ready to get down and dirty. Which I would normally love to do, but I want to refrain until my state of mind is more healthy. I want to wait until I can differentiate between unhealthy and healthy sex with him. I'm having a lot of trouble doing this. I've been using my pain for my own self destruction. I think that Carl won't ever understand this. I think that he believes that if we're having sex as much as I need to have sex, the constant need for it will go away if it's always happening as much as I need it to. But what happens when it doesn't? It's just going to grow and grow. And when I grow an even more constant NEED for it, I'm worried that instead of just feeling like I need it, I'm going to spiral downwards. Do things that I would never do.
It's time to make ammends, start growing up and begin the process of healing. I think I might attend more groups than just the one on Wednesdays.
I love living in suburbia, but I'm so ready to move to the city. Everything is there. Everything is so alive there.

Discovering your self worth.

It's weird how much self worth I put into my bad habits. My self worth falls into how much I can drink, satisfying other people, how little I can put into my body in a day, how much of that food I can vomit, how small my jean size is, how much drugs I can do(more my friends sense of my worth), the hookups I have, the people I hang out with. What am I without drug addicts? They're my friends.
The worst of all of my self worth is sexsexsex. and how thin my body is. Those two things are destroying me. I'm beginning my sobriety officially from my eating disorder. I'm going to eat a comfortable amount and work up. As for my drug use, I want to stick to pot. Maybe a drink or two here or there. No more pills, no more cocaine, no more shrooms or pcp or lsd or acid.
Here's to sobriety.
I'm going to call my sponsor for the saa and ask how to sleep with my boyfriend without falling into the unhealthy behavior of finding my worth within that.
What do you find your self-worth in? How do you do something healthy for yourself without it becoming an unhealhy habit. It's so tricky, and I'm so nervous where I stand, still shy in the shadow.

My First AA meeting

I went to the meeting at about seven last night. Immediately following, some of the people also working on the first step in the group invited me out to dinner with them, which I went to. I went to my best friend's  house immediately afterward to tell her that I finally went to a meeting. That's why I'm not making a post until this morning.
At the meeting,everyone met in one big group and gave out 30 day chips and shared events of the community. There was a guy from my school there. He made the program sound like a punishment saying 'What did you do to get here?'. Many drugs, of course. That's not why I was there though. Nobody was forcing me. I just wanted to get myself help.
After the mass meeting, the members broke off into smaller groups based on what step they were on. I obviousy went to the step one room. When I was in there, people spoke about how difficult this step was. I told my boyfriend that I was going to the meeting. When he asked why I said 'To get inspired to be sober. I don't need the help or anything.' When I started speaking at the group, during my check-in I realized how I could never get past the first step without admitting that I am an addict. That's going to be hard to tell everyone. But at the same time, Im excited to get past this step. When I do, I aspire to feel refreshed and clean.
After the meeting some people and I went to dinner. We had salads and pita at a crowded resturant. One of the men from the group just kept speaking so loudly and saying things like 'So, you like cocaine? Oh, yeah, coke is real fun.' He practically shouted "HAVE YOU EVER TRIED HEROIN BEFORE?' All of the people that I went to dinner with were very open about their drug habits, a little too open for my taste. I'm not used to the idea that drugs aren't just leisurely things for me. I'm really glad that I'm searching for sobriety when I'm as young as I am. I can't end up like the people in there who are fifty and just never grew up. I feel weird without my daily fix of adderall. Or at least a drink or two to cut the edge off.

How i destroyed my life the other night

My boyfriend has never been anything but good to me. He's so attentive and loving. He hates how I drink, he hates how many drugs I let myself do without admiting to a problem. We're almost never apart. But he's been backpacking. Only for a week. I'd been very lonely though. So, i went to a party like I normally do(I go to the same party every monday, but It's never quite the same party.)  Twenty beers later on a completely empty stomach and I was ready to pass out. One of the two boys that live there (27) told me that I could come sleep in his bed. I thought notihng of it because him and my boyfriend are friends and we all hang out every week. Before I knew it, I was drunkenly slurring at him, questioning his attraction to me. He stated that he would have hit on me if it hadn't been for my boyfriend. Next thing I knew, I was straddling him and we were play wrestling. I kissed his neck and he told me he thought that I was beautiful. I avoided kissing him for as long as I could. I was so drunk that eventually, I just gave up ignoring his passes at me and let him kiss me. I pushed him off not too much later. My reaction time was definitely delayed though. I could have done much worse than I, in reality, did.
I cheated on my boyfriend because he wasn't make me there to feel pretty. He was supposed to come back from backpacking today. He texted me saying he'd be back tomorrow.
We've both been cheated on, and a lot of the trust in our relationship has been built on our faith to eachother. I'm so afraid that he won't look at me in the same way ever again. I'm so afraid that it's just going to break his heart.
For the sake of this blog, I'm going to call him Carl. Him and I have already decided that I'm going to go to sex addiction therapy because of how I need it.
I can't blame this on the alcohol or the eating disorder, or the sex addiction. I don't believe that something that I did should be blamed on a filler. Although, it was an altered state of mind that I was experiencing. I have to wait until tomorrow to tell him.
Wish me luck!

My first SAA meeting.

I went to my first SAA meeting this morning. To my horror, it was right by the college campus that I intend on going to next year. Lucky me, it was move in day, so not many of the students go there. 
The people there were very friendly. When it was my turn to do a 'check in', I got out my name, and choked up. I felt myself beginning to cry, so I sucked it up and said 'I'll leave it there for today'. I'm going back next week! The group was only men. It was supposed to be mixed, but I was the only woman. and the only one under 30ish. All of the men were married, or going through divorces and had kids. I'm not sure how well I'll relate to them, although I'm sure we'll never quite understand them. Throughout these posts, I will not share names or details about any others in the groups. We have different kinds of addictions though, I will tell you. I can't function without sex, not because I like it, but because otherwise I feel so ugly that I will stay in and sleep. This makes me wonder if sleeping with my boyfriend now is considered an unhealthy behavior. I already have a sponsor! He's very, very kind. I plan on calling him to ask about what habits are and aren't acceptable and to help me with my inner and outer circles? I think they're called. The SAA uses the same 12 step program that the AA uses. I'm on step one, I guess. Which I haven't yet completed. Each group a step is presented. At the beginning, each member shares what that step means for them. Then we have check-ins. Every one's stories were heartbreaking, though I can't share any of them. 
I'll share what got me to this point in a later post. I destroyed my life not to long ago. If i didn't pull myself together, I knew I was going to have to watch myself fall apart. I can't let that happen again.


Tonight I'm attending my first A.A. meeting. I'll make a post then. 
Best of luck to everyone!

The beggining of the problem.

I'm going to begin this blog by being relatively blunt. I have an eating disorder, which manifested itself into alcoholism and a sex addiction.

 I began vomiting when I was about nine years old. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was curiosity. I can't quite keep anything about that part of my life straight. It slowly developed into anorexia, as a preference to throwing up. My low weight was eighty pounds. I'm a very young adult now. I went into treatment for the first time when I was fourteen. From there, my weight doubled in an unhealthy six months. This was at Melrose Institute. Through there i went through various inpatient and outpatient programs. I stayed in therapy up until the time I was sixteen. As soon as my discharge happened and I was freed, I went right back to starving and vomiting, just more discretely.

When i first got out, I had a girlfriend of about a year. She immediately stopped sleeping with me. After that point, I started finding out about other girls that she was sleeping with. I would have asked why, but I came to the conclusion myself that it was because my body was no longer beautiful. I was no longer stick thin. We broke up almost a year and thirty girls(that I know of) later. My self esteem had been so shot to hell that I began relying on sex to make me feel beautiful. 

That brings us to the sex addiction. Now, men have always been attracted to me. I've always been a free spirit, kissing people when I felt the urge, not caring. Just floating my way through life. A party girl, I guess some would call me. People finding me sexually desirable and expressing this to me was common, so I never knew how much I relied on it.
This all changed when I started dating the boy that I am now. We've been together for a little more than a year. When I began bringing him out with me, I found attention to be less common from men. It bothered me very little at first. But now I rely on the attention that I would get from all of these men to come from one guy. My need for sex and relations grew. And it's been growing worse and worse. If i go to his house, if we spend more than a few hours together without having sex, I can't help but to get upset, or angry, and hurt. I feel like it's an attack on my now healthy body. When i first met him, I was 102 pounds again. I now weight 130. I consider myself slender. I worked so hard on my recovery from the eating disorder. But now that the sex addiction has gotten worse, my eating had gotten much worse too because I expect way too much out of one man. 

Now, I've never been a chronic masturbater or huge into pornography or promiscuous with many men. I do consider this a sex addiction, however, because of the need that I have to have it. And without it, I just can't function normally. 

The alcoholism and drug use just came from a very hard childhood. I don't feel much like getting into that, maybe I will later, if i end up with any readers. Either way, I'm happy to document this if only for myself. 

I wish all readers the best of luck with all of the demons trapped in your closets.