I've had a few practice days at home now, and it's been really hard. Since starting treatment a mere month ago, I have gained twenty-five pounds. It's really disgusting, I know. My mother doesn't make it any easier, accusing me left and right of not being able to beat this. She makes me so mad. She constantly accuses me of binge eating. Thanks, mom. I've never even been one to binge, really. She just frustrates me a lot.
But here I am, four weeks symptom free and signing off of the bulimia train.
Carl and I haven't had sex in two weeks, not even on valentine's day. I fear that it's because of the weight gain. What do I do now? I don't know. Him and I still see eachother, we still hang out alone. but no sex. He claims that it's just a stress problem. It's making my recovery so much harder, but I think telling him that would just make it worse. So I'm trying to keep it to myself, and here I stand at 151 pounds. What I would do to keep off this weight. I don't want to live in this body anymore. I wish that I could do the process without the excess weight on my body. They keep promising me that it will go back down, but I know it's lies. Because I've been weighing myself at home too. I've done weight exposure, and they're such fucking liars. They said that my weight goes up, but goes right back down and stabalizes. Bull shit. I hate that they lie to me, I hate that I'm stuck in this body. I hate that this is what it's come to. but I know that if I don't keep fighting another day, my body will become just as sick as it's always been. Tomorrow is my last day of higher level care. Yippie.
My mom doesn't think I'm ready. I'm finally ready to talk about it. I hate everything. I'm so desperate for my body to return to what I resented before. I'd give anything for my stomache to be flat again. Fuck. It's so hard to carry on. I just focus on how much I want my life to go on... not to die.
I haven't been that drunk lately, but I haven't been that sober. I went on this WILD ecstacy trip the other day. To those who aren't recovering drug addicts and simply recreational users, I would recommend trying this before you die. It's the most fun I've ever had in my life. I love doing x. I've always loved it. Even the worst shit is the best shit.
Stay strong, kitties.
x
