I want to be alone

I'm really drowning here. I can't do school, I hate school. I want to live care free. I want to be happy. Carl is the best boyfriend I've ever had. Some times when we have sex I feel like I'm merely an object. That we're having sex not making love. He's so quiet and... it just makes me feel gross. Some times I really hate having sex. It makes me feel I'm being violated. I stopped him in the middle of it and bawled. Honestly, I don't know what came over me. He was really nice about it. We had been fighting previously. I don't think make-up sex is my thing. It made me feel so dirty.
I just want to live alone so I can constantly count calories in the dark and sit alone focused on staying on track. I hate living with other people. People worry, because people notice. Its annoying.

Today

Intake: too much to scribble out. I always 'bing' when I'm with friends. Any thoughts on how to control myself without binging/purng/restricting when alone? I really could use the advice

One of the things I really need to work on the most is my eating disorder. I'm going to begin recording my intake and how often I use symptoms.
Today:
One luna lemon zest bar.
One apple sauce.
One apple
One oz. Sunchips.
One yoplait yogurt.
Two fruit roll ups
2 oz light pringles chips.
.75 oz pringles chips.
10 serving Crystal light lemonade
2 tbs port wine cheese.
18 wheat thins

I haven't thrown up today for the first time in weeks. I'm slightly dizzy and I feel really full. I just want to eat.

Urine speaks louder than words

I'm so fucking anti-political. Fuck having a job, fuck fitting in, fuck sobriety, fuck the ideal, the elite, brutality. I just want to go sit at a folk-punk show and get high on cocaine. I want to protest, I want to riot, I want my freedom. I want true freedom. Fuck responsibilities. One day I'll tell you without lying I was born to quit smoking, I was born to quit dying. On that day not doing heroin will be easy as piss. And I'll stop talking so much shit about the government. 'Cause urine speaks louder than words on politician, or on a prison warden.

The accident

I broke one of my bones. For the sake of my privacy, I won't say which or how I did it. But surprise, surprise, as the bone was shattered, I was given the prescription drug oxycotton. After I finished the first bottle, I was given a refill on it. I forgot to take it this morning, and I couldn't even survive the school day. Sadly, the broken bone means that I am unable to exercise. This has been realllllyy hard for me.

I also got a new scale because my old one has been acting up. It says that I've been at the same weight for the last four weeks. Sometimes, I will step on the scale and it'll say 128 and then I'll step off and on again, and it'll raise up to 148. Zeroing it out was ineffective. I got a new very nice one. And I stepped on it, and to my delight, I weighed five- ten pounds less than my old scale had told me(because the scale never gave me an accurate reading). When i continued stepping on and off, it continued to read the same weight.

One of my friends from treatment has been telling me stories about the dynamic of her and her family. They encourage her to exercise. As a matter of fact, they more force it. She's constantly called bloated. In the park the other day, some little kid asked her if she was having a baby. She always complains about her weight, which is high. She complains about being considered 'obese'. Any tips or advice on how to put a stop to her constatly fishing for me to call her thin? I know it's important for teenage girls to hear, especially the vulnerable ones. However, she knows that I'm lying to her when I tell her that she's not fat. She's not incredibly obese, but she's 5'5 and weights about 180. I want to encourage her to live a more healthy life style rather than constantly binging/purging, but I don't know how to without sending her spiraling into more hatred for her body. I know how bad this sounds, but it really is out of love and care. Advice?