It hasn't been easy for me to accept that my weight has skyrocketed since I began recovery. It's something that I've been afraid of for as long as I can remember. My weight has fluxuated from 130 to 160. However, almost all of it was water weight. or muscle mass. My measurements are still almost identical to what they were before. And as I improved my, my PT (physical therapy) plan allowed me my aerobics back. So now I've been going to the gym for an hour or two per day. I'm not over excersising or straining my body. I'm even taking a day today to let myself rest. I've been going to yoga classes to and practicing my yoga, but that's nothing new.
As I've began excercising and have gainied more freedom over my mealplan and have been eating more HEALTHY meals (not low calorie, healthy) the weight has come off. I'm losing about a pound or two per day. Which is worrying my doctors, but since I was at such a high part of my weight range, they're actually happy the weight is coming off. They tell me that their goal isn't to make me fat, but their goal is to teach me how to maintain my weight in a healthy, non-obsessive way.
I will admit, it certainly isn't easy. I'm beginning to fear that my excersising is borderline compulsive. I struggle not to vomit every day. I struggle with eating 'too much' or not enough. My eating disorder is so strong. My goal for health is encouraging it to be weaker though. I know what I need to do, it just feels so hard to do when I'm so unhappy with my body, and weight.
The Positives I've noticed:
- Mood is much more stable.
- Measurments haven't changed.
- Excess weight is coming off.
- Hair is becoming less brittle.
- Nails aren't breaking off quite as much
- Skin is returning to it's natural olive tone rather than pale white.
- I'm a lot happier.
- I don't need to run to the bathroom every single time I eat.
- I wake up feeling healthy, rather than desperately sick.
- I don't worry about dying every day
- My Heart palpatations are going away!!
- People around me are happier because they're not as worried.
- I'm not losing and gaining the same weight back every couple days.
'Gaining weight and pulling my head out of the toilet was the most political act I've ever comitted'.
