Thanksgiving

It's the first one where I haven't faked sick or thrown up until my throat bled and I passed out.
I credit my boyfriend. I asked him not to let me in the bathroom for two hours after we eat ( about the amount of time it takes for mr to digest ) I said I was going into the bathroom to fix my hair and he insisted he come with. I went outside to smoke and nearly splattered the food across the snow. I resisted though. This is a milestone for me. I also noticed for the first time how much my family criticizes the way one another eats: Chris, could you eat one meal without salsa? Hannah, could you try not mixing those foods gig once. It's kind of hard to sit through.
When Carl and I went home we snuggled up and watched a movie. No sex. And I didn't freak out. These are both signs that I'm slowly getting better.
Hope thanksgiving wasn't hard on everyone.

Trial period

I am fed up with my mood swings and cuttings self breaks all of the time. I'm fed up with letting myself down. So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to go see my old team (doctor, nutritionist, therapist, psychiatrist) and get a meal plan. As mad as I will be at myself, for the next six months I'm going to monitor my recovery. I'm going to give health a little trial period. And after its all said and done if I really want to let myself get sick again, so be it.
On another note, the meetings I've been going to have made me much more capable of achieving a happier relationship. I don't feel like its one of the few things that define my worth any longer, which is nice.
I'm still using drugs and drinking, but not as often. I don't know if that'll ever stop unless I'm not around my friends. To give you guys a better idea, at this performing art school the beautiful men and women who are always tripping are the top of the school. Performing arts schools are weird. But I just happen to be one of those girls. All of our friends are either punk kids or hippie kids, either way we just want to rock out.
Our common drugs are LSD cocaine pot and heroin. I don't do heroin and neither do most of my friends. Bit it's not too uncommon. I don't to make it sound like we're always on heavy drugs; they're just for fun at parties. But in always using something even if its just pot or alcohol. Sobriety is hard at my school. Especially when you're at the top. I have no idea how my boyfriend does it.
And there's no chance I'll be quitting smoking in this six months

Dinner results

Typical. I threw up and up and up and away. I knew I would. Weak bitch. I'm trying so hard to be healthy. I noticed that I was really snappy, almost mean before I got food in me. I think I should up my diet a bit. But fuck. Five times in one night.

First meal out.

I haven't eaten a full meal in days and days. It just doesn't feel safe. As a celebration of Carl's new job, we're going out to dinner tonight. I really, really don't want to go out to dinner. I ate a couple light pringles this morning to allow myself calories to work with. I'm nervous. He won't even tell me where we're going "it's a surprise" he says. I hope that means that it's some place that he'll know I love. I hope I don't freak out. I hope I don't throw up. I can't eat. I've had three times as many diet slimfast fat burners as I normally drink.
People have been asking a lot for pictures of the two of us. I would prefer to remain anonymous
Also, pictures of my body might be off of the market because I have tattoos from which I can be identified. I'll update after dinner if I'm not in the bathroom.
I never go out to eat anymore. I know how they make the food taste good. I haven't really gone out to dinner since I was in Melrose Institute years ago.
Of course, I go to casual places. Not anywhere where I'm expected to have a meal.

Sobriety

I've been two full days without vomiting once. Actually, that's not entierly true. I was brushing my teeth lightly and as always, they began to bleed. Trying to figure out the source, I touched it to my teeth, none of which were bleediing.
So I gently dabbed the back of my throat, but inhaled... I don't know why. The paper towel got stuck in my throat, which I washed down with water. I threw up the paper towel and some of the cream soda because digesting it would be terribly painful. I've also been sticking stirictly to my diet.
1000 calories a day, exercising five times per week. I'm already at my lowest weight since last year at this time. I'm really excited for the progress that I'm going to make and continue to make. I don't want to be bulimic anymore. I don't want to starve.
I'm writing a memoir. Mainly for myself. Maybe I'll post it one day, if I ever finish it. The battle is not over yet, and until it is, the book will never have an ending.
Also, not drinking or smoking because it causes overeating.
Surprisingly, I haven't been doing any cocaine. It's not nearly as addictive as your teachers pretend it is.

Human desires

I've been using amphetamines for days. Yesterday, I threw up sixteen times. I went to yoga class. Yoga always seems to cause me to be more healthy. I never throw up afterward. I lost 2.2 pounds in one day. I'm falling back into my habits of restriction. I have the worst desires for it. I've been really triggered by the memiors I've been ready about eating disorders. I've been really getting back into it. I have the worst mindset. I will not do this to myself. I will not kill myself. I try so hard to chose recovery. I'm chosing recovery. I'm going to continue choosing recovery. I will always struggle over watching myself die. I really need this for myself. My teeth are so bad, I have to get so many root canals. Something is missing in my life, and I believe that it is strength. It's the worst feeling ever to admit that to myself. I don't want to need food, recovery, safety. Eating disorder girls often have a strong repulsion for themselves when they have a physical desire. Sex, food, anything really. And I have the same thing.
When it comes down to it, its some thing too difficult to explain. How can there be such a contradiction within one person? The strong desire to die and thrive and to be remembered as the women with self control. And also the strong desire to be safe and coddled and for someone to tell you that yourejust going to be safe. I need to be safe. Perhaps only from myself.

I'm going to an Andrew Jackson Jihad show tomorrow. I will be serene.

Triggers

Carl and I haven't had sex in a week. We've been together four of the seven days. He keeps saying 'not tonight, I just want to snuggle'. I bet he wouldn't feel that way if I were thinner. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to bring it up to him either. He's such a good boyfriend, and when I do, he feels shitty about it, like he's not providing what he needs to to make me happy. He is neglecting my needs. But I don't think he deserves to feel like he is, because it's really the only one. He doesn't understand why I get so upset, why sex is so important to me. Why I need it to make myself feel beautiful.
He just started a job yesterday. Maybe that's it. We were laying together naked the other day, and nothing. He makes me feel so gross, so repulsive. He's always pushing away my hands and pushing me away and laughing. An uncomfortable laugh. As if he's saying 'darling, you're so silly to think I could want that'. I hate him for it. I truly do. Who is he to not want me? I know plenty of people would be happy to take care of me, emotionally and physically. I hate him so much.
'Sex, like bingeing, is an attempt to fill a void. Bulimic patients (...) tend to be more sexually active tan individuals who do not have eating disorders... not so much looking for a compatible annd comlementary parter as she is attempting to experience herself as more whole and alive. It alleviates terrifying anxiety and brings the other person close... to such a degree that the patient loses sight of any boundries between her and her partner. .. temporary loss of identity.' - Ibid
I'm ashamed to be bulimic. Anorexia feels so much cleaner. I felt super human. I once went eleven days with not one single calorie.