Second SAA meeting.

I found myself, last time, very attracted to a man at the group. He offered to be my sponser. I've been making frequent phone calls to him when I'm left feeling neglected by my boyfriend. I found myself wanting to sleep with him. Very badly.
I went to a party tonight and I found myself attracted to one of my best friends. last Saturday I went to a party and found myself attracted to this friends best friend.
In the last month I started recording the days that I don't throw up. Two days in the lasy month. But each of these days has been a terrible achivement. I'm drowning. Help

sorry about the lack of updates. I've been moving around a lot. Drinking a lot. I've been exercising a lot. I feel so much healthier when I do. I've been so nervous about my relationship. Other women are more beautiful. Other women are the center of his attention. A hair ruffle here, and playful shove there. He treats other women identically to the way that he treats me. I feel so insignificant.

High on blow. Drunk on liquor. Throwing up all day. I forgot work.
Or maybe I was just too lazy to go. Or too messed up.
At least I didn't smoke today. My chest hurts. I feel elated, yet in the worst of ways, I feel disgusting. I can't help but envy the elegant. I certainly am not one of them. I am not classy when I snort cocaine. I am not one of the elite.
I'm a poor employee, I'm a poor human. Its time to turn things around. How did all of my suffering transfer itself into the most awful, painful habits. I'm fucking up, I'm fucking up, I'm fucking up.
I'm at a thousand page views with four comments. A thousand page views after a couple weeks. Come on guys. Common, guys. Let me your thoughts. Struggle with me, suffer with me, heal with me, hope with me.

A series of bad decisions

I bought an 8-ball tonight. I took 200 out of my college fund for it. It's been sitting in my bedroom, just waiting for me to take it. I feel like I'm going to devour it with such gusto that its going to kill me. Despite the diet, I've remained at the same weight for the last 15 days. It's getting so frustrating. I get so angry with myself for getting high and for having sex.
How do I seperate the good sex from the bad? How do I resist the 8-ball when the side effects will make my goals so easy to reach? How do I keep my boyfriend in love with me? He'll be so disappointed. How do I keep myself in check? How do you keep yourselves in check when you're drowning?
Today, one year ago Carl and I had sex for the first time. Its been a year, and I'm still horridly uncomfortable naked.
We celebrated by doing it on the kitchen table.

Giving up my life, as I had once before

I've had a girl in my life who has been my best friend for many years. When I go to her house, we often smoke weed, and I basically end up binging. With my 'sobriety' I assumed that I had the ability to break out of this cycle. I went over there, and something about the house just triggers me. The same thing happened.
I've been restricting a little. Naturally, not to the point of considering it anorexia. 500 calories a day. Im having a really hard time gettng myself together. What do you do to fix yourselves?

My second AA meeting, and the day surrounding

I went to a new place this time, much bigger than I had expected it to be. There must have been 100 people there. I went with a girl that I met at the first meeting I attended.
I am 24 hours sober. again. 'Let's hear it for the 24 hours!' This is followed by phony applause and many strangers congratulating you on something that wasn't earned or worked for.
It's the mondays, oddly enough, that kill me. Every Monday, same party. Get drunk, get silly, find peace and joy in the superficial passtime. I've got some friends, some that I hardly know, but we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world.
I feel dizzy sober, like nothing even exsists.
Anyway, this meeting was like a lottery. You come in the door, they hand you a raffle ticket, and if your number is called you speak about your alcoholism. I didn't take a ticket because I was late. Listening to so many perspectives gave me a great deal of insight into taking the first step.
I am an alcoholic/addict. But whatever higher power that I'm supposed to put in charge knows that I'm not ready to admit it.

The first step towards my own twisted sexual sobriety

I have just been SO tired lately. I work so much(two jobs) that I never have time to sleep. Yesterday I drove all the way to wisconsin to see off my cousin before she moved away. I got up at six, drove hours and hours, had lunch with her, and drove back, went to work, and crashed to sleep.
I just returned from Carl's house. I went there after my shift. Saturday and Sunday mornings are always terrible. I was very tired. I laid on his lap while he pet my head and rubbed my back. After that, we went to dinner at his grand parents house. We stayed for a few hours, and then went back to his place. We laid on the couch finishing our movie, then I left.
I'm not saying I made any progress this quickly, but maybe recognition of the problem was enough to quickly spark it into some sort of rational conciousness for me.
Either way, I'm not sure why I was so humble, and only felt the tinsiest bit bad. It was very foreign.
It just goes to show you that when you work on a problem, you feed the solution.
Low point of the night, at my newest job, I found out that the woman I work closest to deals my drug of choice. I set up a drop off already. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to just say no to myself. It is, after all, what helped me lose the 50 pounds right away after I got out of the hospital.