A series of bad decisions

I bought an 8-ball tonight. I took 200 out of my college fund for it. It's been sitting in my bedroom, just waiting for me to take it. I feel like I'm going to devour it with such gusto that its going to kill me. Despite the diet, I've remained at the same weight for the last 15 days. It's getting so frustrating. I get so angry with myself for getting high and for having sex.
How do I seperate the good sex from the bad? How do I resist the 8-ball when the side effects will make my goals so easy to reach? How do I keep my boyfriend in love with me? He'll be so disappointed. How do I keep myself in check? How do you keep yourselves in check when you're drowning?
Today, one year ago Carl and I had sex for the first time. Its been a year, and I'm still horridly uncomfortable naked.
We celebrated by doing it on the kitchen table.