Triggers

Carl and I haven't had sex in a week. We've been together four of the seven days. He keeps saying 'not tonight, I just want to snuggle'. I bet he wouldn't feel that way if I were thinner. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to bring it up to him either. He's such a good boyfriend, and when I do, he feels shitty about it, like he's not providing what he needs to to make me happy. He is neglecting my needs. But I don't think he deserves to feel like he is, because it's really the only one. He doesn't understand why I get so upset, why sex is so important to me. Why I need it to make myself feel beautiful.
He just started a job yesterday. Maybe that's it. We were laying together naked the other day, and nothing. He makes me feel so gross, so repulsive. He's always pushing away my hands and pushing me away and laughing. An uncomfortable laugh. As if he's saying 'darling, you're so silly to think I could want that'. I hate him for it. I truly do. Who is he to not want me? I know plenty of people would be happy to take care of me, emotionally and physically. I hate him so much.
'Sex, like bingeing, is an attempt to fill a void. Bulimic patients (...) tend to be more sexually active tan individuals who do not have eating disorders... not so much looking for a compatible annd comlementary parter as she is attempting to experience herself as more whole and alive. It alleviates terrifying anxiety and brings the other person close... to such a degree that the patient loses sight of any boundries between her and her partner. .. temporary loss of identity.' - Ibid
I'm ashamed to be bulimic. Anorexia feels so much cleaner. I felt super human. I once went eleven days with not one single calorie.