I want to be alone

I'm really drowning here. I can't do school, I hate school. I want to live care free. I want to be happy. Carl is the best boyfriend I've ever had. Some times when we have sex I feel like I'm merely an object. That we're having sex not making love. He's so quiet and... it just makes me feel gross. Some times I really hate having sex. It makes me feel I'm being violated. I stopped him in the middle of it and bawled. Honestly, I don't know what came over me. He was really nice about it. We had been fighting previously. I don't think make-up sex is my thing. It made me feel so dirty.
I just want to live alone so I can constantly count calories in the dark and sit alone focused on staying on track. I hate living with other people. People worry, because people notice. Its annoying.