I've been using amphetamines for days. Yesterday, I threw up sixteen times. I went to yoga class. Yoga always seems to cause me to be more healthy. I never throw up afterward. I lost 2.2 pounds in one day. I'm falling back into my habits of restriction. I have the worst desires for it. I've been really triggered by the memiors I've been ready about eating disorders. I've been really getting back into it. I have the worst mindset. I will not do this to myself. I will not kill myself. I try so hard to chose recovery. I'm chosing recovery. I'm going to continue choosing recovery. I will always struggle over watching myself die. I really need this for myself. My teeth are so bad, I have to get so many root canals. Something is missing in my life, and I believe that it is strength. It's the worst feeling ever to admit that to myself. I don't want to need food, recovery, safety. Eating disorder girls often have a strong repulsion for themselves when they have a physical desire. Sex, food, anything really. And I have the same thing.
When it comes down to it, its some thing too difficult to explain. How can there be such a contradiction within one person? The strong desire to die and thrive and to be remembered as the women with self control. And also the strong desire to be safe and coddled and for someone to tell you that yourejust going to be safe. I need to be safe. Perhaps only from myself.
I'm going to an Andrew Jackson Jihad show tomorrow. I will be serene.
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