Carl comes home today. I'm so excited to see him. Last night when I called him, I told him about the kiss. I had to improvise a little bit, but it's done. He's never been drunk before (Because of his father's struggle through alcoholism), so I knew that he wouldn't understand what it's like to wake up and kiss whoever you're next just because you're drunk and how it takes a second to react and pull away.
He's not mad. He knows the guy, and kind of found it funny. I'm happy that he wasn't angry, but I'm sad that he failed to recognize that I hit rock bottom.
He also sent me a message saying he'd be back home with me in an hour and that he was completely ready to get down and dirty. Which I would normally love to do, but I want to refrain until my state of mind is more healthy. I want to wait until I can differentiate between unhealthy and healthy sex with him. I'm having a lot of trouble doing this. I've been using my pain for my own self destruction. I think that Carl won't ever understand this. I think that he believes that if we're having sex as much as I need to have sex, the constant need for it will go away if it's always happening as much as I need it to. But what happens when it doesn't? It's just going to grow and grow. And when I grow an even more constant NEED for it, I'm worried that instead of just feeling like I need it, I'm going to spiral downwards. Do things that I would never do.
It's time to make ammends, start growing up and begin the process of healing. I think I might attend more groups than just the one on Wednesdays.
I love living in suburbia, but I'm so ready to move to the city. Everything is there. Everything is so alive there.
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