Night Thoughts on Ghosts.

I haven't slept in days. I'm looking around my room. It's too far past midnight. I can't sleep, everything here reminds me of him. As soon as he left me, I knew what I had to do. I had to be beautiful again when he saw me. I had to glow like when he first met me. He never signed up to be with a fat girl. I've been struggling not
to call him. I know to make him want me back I can't pick up the phone. Above my bed, a picture of us, and a box filled with our memories. To my right, the locket he bought me for my seventeenth birthday, a toy we used to play with, the candles we used to light together. To my left, the walking stick he carved for me. Beneath me, the bed we made so many memories on. Pictures of him and evidence of our relationship litter my room. The roses that he bought  me are in my window sill, most of the buds died, but I'm trying to keep the plant alive. Something to hold onto. If we're over, I'll plant it in our memory, in the ground. Its dying because of the lack of sunlight, nutrition; just like me. When I went over to his house, he gripped me so hard, as if he was afraid to let me go. He asked if I had been throwing up again. I said yes, far before the fights started. I always lied to him about the ways I destroyed myself. He notices, but never acted like he did. He made me swear to stop before the last time I would see him. I agreed. I created a recovery calender, tracking my weight loss on it to. I can't throw up if I'm not eating anything.
What I've lost over the last few months is my confidence. With the recent weight gain, it's been terrifying to look the world in the eye. I'm not holding myself like I love myself anymore. No wonder he's leaving. Next time he sees me, I'll be like I was when we first met; beautiful, confident, thin, indestructible.
My room, I can't wait to leave it. Everything relates back to him somehow. Can't wait to leave, can't wait to be on my own.
I can't remember the last time I body checked so much. It's storming, and I wish he was here to listen to the rain and thunder. We did always love to do that.
I've been eating a lot of protein, hard boiled eggs. I hate the yolks, but I'm making myself eat them anyway. Need the protein. I can't bring myself to want to eat anymore.
I just wish I could fall asleep. All of these sleepless nights just make it worse. I can't sleep because I want to call him. Thank god I saved all of those voicemails. Even listening to ones  from a month back, he loved me. He loved me so much. I never did deserve him. I never appreciated him correctly. I'm bitchy and I'm mean.
I wonder if he'll sleep with someone else while we're on break. I don't think I could bring myself to do it. The thought of even kissing someone else made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm letting my body take a break now. I can't process as much alcohol as I wanted to. I'm such a mess.
The other day I went in to get my Depo shot( A type of birth control). When I was left along by the nurse, I tried desperately to fit my hand far enough down in the medical waste container that I cut it. All I wanted was a syringe. I would  have gone to the clean needle exchange this week. Maybe I'll shoot up. I have so many goals for this summer. This wasn't one of them. My fingers couldn't reach anyway. I was so close to being able to grab one, but I couldn't quite make it. Next time. I'm going in next week to ask for Vicodin.
It's my fault we're over. nobody left to hold me while we sleep. Nobody who knows me so well, and knows exactly how to make me feel special and beautiful all the time. Nobody left to sing me to sleep...
Whiskey always was my kind of lullaby.